funny joke!

[The Conquistador]

Originally Posted by Titivilus

Apologies if you've heard this one:

- What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?

- The wheelchair.

Oh, and FYI, let's not forget that, prior to WWII, the French had THE greatest fighting force the world had ever seen. It was the period between the great wars that saw the destruction of said army, due to bean-counters. Oh, and Rommel/Guderian and Patton studied modern tank tactics written by, you guessed it, a French general.

That was then, this is now. Aside from Sarkozy and their recent actions fighting the Somali pirates, they still kinda suck.

[Titivilus]

Originally Posted by TheAngryPostman

That was then, this is now. Aside from Sarkozy and their recent actions fighting the Somali pirates, they still kinda suck.

Well, I certainly won't argue that one. I just think it's important that people remember their history. Without it, there's no real context for understanding the present.

[simmo]

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree.
"I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid.. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bag was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

[randolph]

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"

To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a magnum gun and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"

[ila]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.


The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[ila]

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

These really work!!

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with women about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

[franalexes]

How's your eyesight?
If you wear glasses, then you must have a problem with your vision. I'm curious how bad it might be. Is it so bad that you are legally blind?
If "NO" then you must be ILLEGALLY BLIND.

[The Conquistador]

What do you call the useless skin that surrounds the vagina?







































































The woman.

[The Conquistador]

TOP TEN AL GORE PICKUP LINES

10. ?I created the internet, and now I?m going to create making love to you.?

9. ?We?ll make sweet love until the compact fluorescent light bulb burns out? which is a long long time because they?re very efficient.?

8. ?The science is settled: I?m dead sexy.?

7. ?It would reduce your carbon footprint if you shared a room with me tonight.?

6. ?If you just watch this slideshow presentation, I think it makes it pretty clear and indisputable that we should totally do it.?

5. ?Lucky for you my lovemaking is a renewable resource.?

4. ?It?s not only my personality and mannerisms that are stiff.?

3. ?Carefully study your love making option, because I don?t want you to accidentally have sex with Pat Buchanan.?

2. ?The rumors are true: I am a robot ? The Sex Machine.?

And the number one Al Gore pickup line?


?Here?s an inconvenient truth: There?s only one of me to go around.?

[smc]

Originally Posted by TheAngryPostman

What do you call the useless skin that surrounds the vagina?

The woman.

In my opinion, that's not even remotely funny.

[The Conquistador]

Originally Posted by smc

In my opinion, that's not even remotely funny.

Fine then! How about this one?

A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye.
He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"
The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.
He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides t o put off the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.
Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us: All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
No," the hooker replies, "but I would ... if I had a pussy."

[smc]

^ Now that one is funny -- very funny!

[simmo]

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to spice
up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite
her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her husband
says... "Are you wearing crotch less panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.


"Thank God for that... I thought you were sitting on the cat.

[siamgirl]

Saw this in on a market stall

[IanC]

Originally Posted by orion

A White Horse walks into a Pub and orders a pint of "Best" ..

The Barman looks at him a bit oddly, then serves him .. after a few moments thought .. the Barman says ... "Here, we sell a Whisky named after you" ...

The Horse looks at him and says .. "Wot .. Eric" ?

Love this joke and hadn't heard/read it in ages.

[ladyboyadmirer]

I went to the doctor while I was on holiday in Bangkok
recently, to get my testicles checked out.
While the doc was cupping my dangly bits, she said, "Don't worry, it's
normal to get an erection during this kind of examination."
I said, "I haven't got an erection!"
She replied, "No, but I have!"

[siamgirl]

A mechanic working at a prestigious motor-cycle agency was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley-Davidson when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in the shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage,
'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I?m finished, it works just like new. So how come I make ?35,000 a year and you make ?1,000,000 when you and I are doing basically the same work?'
The renowned cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic: "Try doing it with the engine running!"

[SluttyShemaleAnna]

Originally Posted by smc

In my opinion, that's not even remotely funny.

No, but you know what is funny? Telling it to a room full of feminists then running away. It's like Benny Hill in reverse...

Personally I prefer "Why has there never been a woman on the moon? Cos it never needed cleaning"

[johndowe]

Hi there.

A guy asks his new g/f whom he had sex only a few times with;

So what do you want tonight?

She ansewers: I want you to fuck my brains out!

He ansewered: So, it's skull fucking then...



JohnDowe.

[franalexes]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.

You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.

They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "you must decide how many inches you want.

But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.

If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.

If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.

It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.



The doctor comes back in the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man. "



And has she helped you make a decision?"



"Yes" says the man.



"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.



"We're getting granite countertops."

[The Conquistador]

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10.. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a weekand I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month,
so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. "Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

[johndowe]

Hi there.

A guy walks in a bar and anounces to the bar tender:

It's been proved scoentifacally that beer makes you smarter.

Unconvinced the bar tender ansewers "Right" sarcasticly.

The guy sais; "Well it made budwiser"




JohnDowe.

[Tbone]

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, "How am I doing?"

The prostitute replies, "Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"Three knots?" he asks. "What's that supposed to mean?"

And she says, "You're not hard, you're not in, and your not getting your money back."

[randolph]

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The medicine man slowly, methodically, produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine. It must be respected. You take only teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The old man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until next full moon."

The old man was very eager to see if it worked, so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.


His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

[johndowe]

Hi there.

I wanted to take a trip to spain, but chucked that idea when i learned that,

The rain in spain stays mainly in the plaine.


JohnDowe.

[ladyboyadmirer]

I guess this is only funny for those familiar with the international alphabet code.


A rookie police officer spots a huge, drunken black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford car.

He radios for backup.

"What's the situation?"

"There's a black bloke, seems pissed out of his brains, dancing on the roof of a car."

"You can't say that over the radio" replies the operator.

"You know you have to use politically correct terminology these days"

"OK," he says. "Zulu?.Whisky?Tango....Sierra"

[DCurious]

A penguin walks into a bar, hops up and asks the Bartender: "Has my dad been in tonight?"
The Bartender scratches his chin and says,"Not sure, what does he look like?"

[randolph]

Originally Posted by johndowe

Hi there.

I wanted to take a trip to spain, but chucked that idea when i learned that,

The rain in spain stays mainly in the plaine.


JohnDowe.

I decided to go to France when I heard that the ants in France stay mainly on the plants.

[johndowe]

Hi there.

There once was a sorceress that lived in a small castle, and it was rumored that she was evil and had done some evil deeds.

So a small army went to her castle and demanded her surrender or suffer the consequences.

She repied to their threat; YOU MEN ARE CHICKENS...

They laughed, until they started to change into chickens...

And for the nex few months she had chicken soup, roasted chicken, making the best of the situation.


When she was about to run out of chickens, another small army was pounding at her door,

threatening to ram down the door and to take her by force.

Tired of eating chicken, she replied; YOU GUYS ARE LAMBS...

As she expected they laughed for a little while until they started to become lambs.

And as before the sorceress had a lot to eat for the next few months, lamb chops, lamb burgers and many other lamb dishes.


She had run out of lambs and was a bit anoyed that she now only had vegetables that she grew in her garden to eat when a

third small army came a knocking to her door demanding her surrender, by now she knew the drill, and tought about what

to turn the men into, thinking about what she would like to eat, and ham and pork chops came to her and her mouth watered

at the tought, so she went to her tower and said: YOU MEN ARE ALL PIGS...

She felt the magic exude from her body and the men booed her and then started to make fun of her, BUT they did not transform,

and they rammed the door down and captured easily the magically drainned sorceress and brought her to town where she was

tried convicted and burned her at the stake.


The morale of this story is two folds, the sorceress was secluded from the world and was ignorant of it's workings and

subequently she didn't know what every (other) woman knows; MEN ARE PIGS.


I told the joke to a few women, thinking they would agree wholehartedly, but to my surprize they defended men.


JohnDowe.

[ila]

Originally Posted by johndowe

......I told the joke to a few women, thinking they would agree wholehartedly, but to my surprize they defended men.


JohnDowe.

I can understand why. This is an inane sexist joke. Society no longer tolerates sexist jokes about women so why should sexist jokes about men be tolerated?

[siamgirl]

I love this section and have giggled so much, thanks to all that have contributed. Here is my latest......

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "on heat'', agreed to look after her neighbour?s male dog while they were away on vacation. She had a large house however and believed that she could keep them apart, but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.
Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw."


"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked for me lady" he replied.

[franalexes]

It is hunting season in Maine. A hunter got into the deep woods and got lost. After many hours he came to asmall clearing. A small cottage and outside was a witch stirring a large kettle with a long spoon. This wasn't your ordinary witch for this one was absolutly gorgeous!
The hunter approached her and asked what she was doing.
"I'm making a baby", sshe eplied.
"That's not how to make a baby . Let's go inside and I'll show you."
After the hunter was finished and "unloaded".
the witch asked," where's the baby?"
"Oh, the baby will be here in 9 months."
"NINE MONTHS ! What did you stop stirring for!"

[johndowe]

Originally Posted by ila

I can understand why. This is an inane sexist joke. Society no longer tolerates sexist jokes about women so why should sexist jokes about men be tolerated?

Insanely sexist?

What are you talking about?

It is a bit sexist, yes, but i have seen (heard) MANY jokes that were WAY MORE SEXIST, and i WAS quoting (many) women.

You say society, but in effect it is women and their inability to take any criticism that do not tolerate any sexist jokes about women but sexist jokes against men are fine in their book.

I don't know about you, but I have delt with alot of women in many types of relationships and encounters and they have always shown themselves to be mean, petty, vindictive and take themselves way too seriously, and if there is a way to take a simple positive statement in a negative way they will find it.

In conclusion, it is a joke, it IS funny, and that should be the end of that.


Oh, Yeah, Why should sexist jokes against men be tolerated?

Because we aren't women, and we don't take everything in a tragic context.


JohnDowe.

[franalexes]

.mostly less

[smc]

Originally Posted by johndowe

... You say society, but in effect it is women and their inability to take any criticism that do not tolerate any sexist jokes about women but sexist jokes against men are fine in their book.

"All generalizations are dangerous, even this one." -- Alexandre Dumas

"All generalizations are false, including this one." -- Mark Twain

Originally Posted by johndowe

I don't know about you, but I have delt with alot of women in many types of relationships and encounters and they have always shown themselves to be mean, petty, vindictive and take themselves way too seriously, and if there is a way to take a simple positive statement in a negative way they will find it.

Where they that way when you first met them, or did it happen over time in these "relationship and encounters"? The answer will speak volumes.

[randolph]

Getting old in Florida
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Bonita Springs , doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?' The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.' The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?' The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.' After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?'

[franalexes]

The lady tells her doctor that she has a serious gas problem. Strange thing is, when it comes out it makes no sound and they don't smell.
Is that so, says the doctor. Well, let's complete the physical and check your ears. And he takes a cotton swab and cleans her ears, finds ear wax build up.
Now that I've fixed your hearing let's fix your sinuses...

[ila]

Originally Posted by johndowe

Insanely sexist?

What are you talking about?

I typed INANE, not insane. If you don't know what it means then look up the definition.

Originally Posted by johndowe

It is a bit sexist, yes, but i have seen (heard) MANY jokes that were WAY MORE SEXIST, and i WAS quoting (many) women.

You say society, but in effect it is women and their inability to take any criticism that do not tolerate any sexist jokes about women but sexist jokes against men are fine in their book.

I don't know about you, but I have delt with alot of women in many types of relationships and encounters and they have always shown themselves to be mean, petty, vindictive and take themselves way too seriously, and if there is a way to take a simple positive statement in a negative way they will find it.

In conclusion, it is a joke, it IS funny, and that should be the end of that.

In your opinion it is a joke and it?s funny. In my opinion it is not funny. Also if you go back and look at my reply you will see I was agreeing with the women you told the joke to that defended men.

Originally Posted by johndowe

Oh, Yeah, Why should sexist jokes against men be tolerated?

Because we aren't women, and we don't take everything in a tragic context.


JohnDowe.

Sexist jokes should not be tolerated regardless of who the intended target is.

[ladyboyadmirer]

A sheep farmer was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only one sheep and the sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was supermodel Naomi Campbell.

That evening, the man brought Naomi to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Naomi and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Naomi batted her eyelashes, and blushing asked if there was anything she could do for him.



"Yes," he said, 'Could you please take that f****** dog for a walk?

[siamgirl]

The Cat
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year?s Eve Party.
We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from biting and scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!'

The silence in the cab became deafening.

[ladyboyadmirer]

Originally Posted by siamgirl

The Cat
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from biting and scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!'

Nice one siamgirl


An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, ?I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body?.
The officer then asks, ?Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night??

The man replies, ?My wife.

[smc]

One of my students told me this joke earlier this week:

A girl named Mary went to a Christian school. It was pretty progressive; there was even a sex education class. One day, Mary was in the sex education class dozing off, because the hadn't gotten much sleep the night before.

The teacher called on her to answer the question, "What did Eve say after her and Adam had sex the first time?"

Mary didn't respond, and Jimmy -- the boy behind her -- poked her with a pencil.

OUCH!!!" Mary blurted out.

"Correct," said the teacher.

After a few minutes, Mary was nearly asleep again. The teacher called on her again.

"What did Eve say to Adam when she had her fifth child?"

Jimmy came to the rescue again, poking half-asleep Mary again with a pencil. Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you poke me one more time I'm going to break that thing in half."

"Correct," said the teacher.

[franalexes]

An Englishman, Scot and an Irishman were talking about bars with free drinks.
Englishman:" We have a bar where after six drinks, you get one free."
Scotsman:" That's nothing great. We have a bar that serves a freed rink after evry 4th drink."
Irishman: " We got you all beat. At our bars you get free drinks right after walking in and after they decide you have had enough, they take you upstairs and you get laid."
Englishman:" Now did that ever really happen to you personally?"
Irishman: "Well, no. But it happened nine times to my sister."

[smc]

Originally Posted by franalexes

... Irishman: "Well, no. But it happened nine times to my sister."

Well, since we're posting jokes involving Irishmen and sisters:

Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten.
Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either.

So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him.

As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye'".

Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell ARE you?".

Too that the Missus replied, "I'm the divil ya' damned old fool".

To which Flaherty remarked,
"Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister."

[smc]

Originally Posted by franalexes

An Englishman, Scot and an Irishman were talking about bars with free drinks. ...

And since we're posting jokes about the Irish and drinking:

Sister Mary Margaret enters O 'Flynn's liquor shop.

"I'd like to buy a bottle of Jameson", she tells O 'Flynn.

The owner of the store shakes his head and frowns. "A bottle of Irish whiskey? And you being a nun too."

"Oh no, no," Sister Mary Margaret exclaims. "It's for Father Reilly. His constipation, you know."

O'Flynn smiles, nods, and puts a bottle of Jameson into a bag.

Sister Mary Margaret pays, takes the bag and goes on her way.

Later that day, O'Flynn closes shop for the day. On his way home he passes an alley. There in the alley is Sister Mary Margaret. She's rip roaring drunk, the empty bottle at her side.

"Sister!" O'Flynn scolds. "And you said it was for Father Reilly's constipation."

"It is," answers Sister Mary Margaret. "When he sees me, he's gonna shit!"

[smc]

Originally Posted by franalexes

An Englishman, Scot and an Irishman were talking about bars with free drinks. ...

And one more, to cover all three nationalities of Fran's inspiring post:

An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman walked into a pub. Each ordered a pint of beer. Then a fly landed in each one's beer.

The Englishman, turning slightly green, pushed his beer away and asked for another one.

The Scot took the fly out, shrugged, and drank his beer.

The Irisman pinched the fly between his fingers and yelled, "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"

[randolph]

Dirty Laundry

A newlywed couple arrived back from honeymoon to move into their tiny new flat.
"Care to go to bed?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said his blushing bride. "These walls are paper thin. The neighbours will know what you mean! Next time, ask me in code - like, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' - instead."
So, the following night, the husband asks: "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, darling?"
"No," she snapped back, "I definitely shut it." Then she rolled over and fell asleep.
The next morning, she woke up feeling a little frisky herself, so she nudged her husband and said: "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all..."
"Don't worry," said the man. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

[mkkhopnao]

Im really sure lots of you are like jokes.

Why not share here your favorite jokes so others can know about it

Below is my favorite joke which is Needles Are Not Nice

Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.
"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.
"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.
"So? Are you afraid?"
"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.
Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"
To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test"

Bob was very stupid, thinking his vital will be cut for a urine test
Thanks mate

[dauls]

Daily Telegraph 17th Jan 2011:

A cat has been summoned to do jury service, even after his owners told the court he was "unable to speak and understand English".

Anna Esposito (the cat's owner), wrote to Suffolk Superior Crown Court in Boston, US, to explain that a mistake had been made, but a jury commissioner replied saying the cat, named Tabby Sal, "must attend" on March 23.

Mrs Esposito had included a letter from her vet confirming that the cat was "a domestic short-haired neutered feline".

Tabby Sal had been entered by Mrs Esposito under the 'pets' section of the last census. "When they ask him guilty or not guilty? What's he supposed to say - miaow?"

She said, "Sal is a member of the family so I listed him on the last Census form under pets but there has clearly been a mix-up."

A website for the US judicial system states that jurors are "not expected to speak perfect English".

[smc]

^ Having myself been called to jury duty in Massachusetts, I can assure you that Sal will be no less qualified to sit in judgment of humans than some of the people I observed at the courthouse.

Of course, that probably goes for anywhere.

Our local media has had a f(el)ine time with this story. One lawyer said:

"I?m thinking he?ll probably get picked for a jury since jurors are often picked for their lack of opinion on anything. Then again, most cats are pretty opinionated."