Taking a Plunge

[Bionca]

My fella had a bit of bad luck with his roomies. They decided to up and move out of state giving him very little notice. Thankfully his land lord was willing to let him out of his lease, but that left him with limited options on where to live.

This is a guy who almost one year ago dumped me because he was "getting to serious" about me and needed to check his head. He later came back (obviously), but I'm still pretty unsure.

Given that I'm a giant softy, I couldn't exactly let him sleep on his friends' couches (or worse yet unofficially living with me). We have a spare room, that more like an apartment in the basement (giant closet and private bathroom), so we will be letting him stay here with us for the time being.

Things have been getting more serious between us...slowly... so I guess I'll just have to wait and see. I want to be excited and all starry-eyed about this (after all he's been mooning over this for a week), but I just can't. He's a good guy and he's trying. I just can't put my finger on why I'm apprehensive. The only thing I can think of is being gun shy after my ex, and probably missing all the good reading time I got waiting for dates that didn't show up.

So, wish me (us) luck and I hope I can get out of my funk before I become too jaded about relationships to be self-defeating.

[rockabilly]

Best of luck Ms. B Finding love is rough but when you find it then all the bad things just go away. But make him earn it , nobody breaks Ms. Bionca's heart twice.

[The Conquistador]

Let's see what Advice Dog has to say.

[liesjeversteven]

I'm jealous! I want to move in!!!

No seriously, I hope it all works out for you.

Love

Liesje

[franalexes]

Stay tuned for "Bionca bights the Dust";
Sure, this asshole will be nice as long as he gets what he wants for free. Bionca, you have been used and abused by too many for too long. Break away girl, break away.
I don't understand why a girl will be a doormat for trouble. But they will.
I never order a second helping of a bad meal.
I may not be an easy pick-up, but nobody puts me down.
Bionca, what's going on with "Canadian dude"? Or are you keeping him in the wings? Now he's a class act.

[twistedone]

I can understand your concerns Bionca. Once something happens that places a strain on your trust such as "checking his head", can leave serious doubts about another person. And if they are serious or not.

Put the burden where it belongs (him) to regain your trust. If you have doubts about it months or years down the line, don't ignore them. They are there for a reason.

Good Luck!

[tslust]

I hope everything goes alright for you, Bionca.

[new believer]

As usual your soulmate (?) Fran came up with the correct flags. Why would someone decide to return ? He wanted to 'chill', needed to 'sort things out'. RIIIIIGHT.With probably no one else to turn to, and knowing you as he does,kind hearted and once smittin with him,of course he'll come back. The rent is cheap, the option of sex could be on the menu, and all while he'll be looking out to where and who he could be with next.
I believe that if he had the option with someone else ,he'd go for it.
True, most of us don't know all the fine details, but most of us have been around the block, so to speak.
I'm sorry to say that I often find people with gall, have an easy time at taking advantage of others when neccessary. He has a neccessity.
Only you can make that decision which will make your life the best it can be.
I only hope you can get through this without injury of ANY kind. Please let others know of threats, arguments, things said in anger or without forethought. You may even want to keep a tape recorder of some conversations. Horrible life to live like that isn't it? But remember the advice you gave to others. And don't ever forget what has happened to others you have never met. I'm sure he'll get wind of the advice you are getting and he will try to disuade you. If he's sincere, he'll pick up and leave on his own. Once he's settled(at least six months after) with work,a place of his own and his 'thoughts' together once again, then see if he comes around as a beau or jackass.
Sorry if you did not want to hear that, but I've seen it done before to both sexes. Good luck and practice safe living.

[Vanillas]

My initial reaction to reading of your dilemma was to question how any man could possibly have reservations about wanting to be with someone as intelligent and beautiful as you. But of course to many men, these qualities in a woman can be as threatening as they are enticing. But regardless of the reasons for his hot and cold behavior, it seems to have resonated in you, creating some doubt and conflict of your own. And, judging from some of the previous posts, from people who evidently know you well, perhaps they should heeded.

I do not know you and won't presume to give you advice (and after all, isn't SOME amount of relationship ambivalence existential and even healthy?). But I will offer one caveat: IF this man does take up residence in your house, I suggest you first familiarize yourself with basic Landlord/Tenant law in your area. I live in San Francisco, Ca. It is a city with a strong Tenants' Board and a generally pro-tenant Rental Code. It is not uncommon for a homeowner to have to take a tenant to court simply because he no longer wants to rent out part part of his house - and the tenant refuses to move. In this city at least, once a tenant has been living in a place for even a short time, many of his rights trump those of the homeowner. And the way you described that little area with its own bathroom, it sounded mighty comfortable.

Regardless of what you do I wish you the very best. I think you deserve nothing less. I thoroughly enjoy reading your posts and admire your insights and your writing style. Finally, I'm glad you enjoyed my satirical post Re: a Shemale Circus. But how else can you answer such a question? I mean two T-Girls, each other, at the same time?!

[quickpick]

I think you're apprehensive because you already figured out the reasons. You've listed them all for a good reason. So in light of that, I think you know the answer. But when dealing with emotions, logic is often thrown out the window. So not to sound like a complete pessimist, but you should probably listen to your head on this one and not your heart. Just my 2 cents.

[Bionca]

He has finally moved in. We'll see how this goes... he did drop the word "girl-friend" during conversation....

[franalexes]

Shortcuts to relationships usually end as short relationships.
Just an observation.
I don't jump of the cliff for "the plunge". Don't read anything into that. It's not meant as something ,something
But DAMN! Guys are still at my feet.

[CreativeMind]

Maybe it's just the die-hard romantic in me, but I don't see why some of you seem so sour on this latest news, or on Bionca's guy.

I mean, Franalexes outright called him an asshole ("Sure, this asshole will be nice as long as he gets what he wants for free. Bionca, you have been used and abused by too many for too long. Break away girl, break away" ) and New Believer even questioned his motives ("The rent is cheap, the option of sex could be on the menu, and all while he'll be looking out to where and who he could be with next. I believe that if he had the option with someone else, he'd go for it." )

BUT...I would remind everyone here that Bionca's guy has taken her out in public, he's had no problem being seen with her in public or being on dates with her. Heck, it was just a few months ago that he stepped up to the plate and took her to her own company Christmas party, when she thought he might not. So, to give the guy SOME credit, he seems to be trying.

As for him breaking up last year -- when he said he was ""getting too serious" about Bionca and pulled back -- I'm going to throw this out there: maybe that really IS how he felt and he was just confused. NOT about her TS status or anything like that. His actions show he's essentially past that. So you know what? To sort of stand up for the guy, maybe back then he genuinely WAS just trying to figure out how committed he wanted to be with ANYONE at that point in time. Which means it wasn't about Bionca. The guy could have been dating ANYONE and still felt the same way. So, it really was about him coming to terms with what HE was looking for.

I mean, come on, we've ALL been there, right? You're telling me that none of you have ever been in a relationship where you just weren't sure how strongly you felt about the other person? That for various reasons, you found yourself questioning all sorts of things, so you started to act half-hearted about the relationship overall and just felt like you were emotionally adrift? At which point you end things because you really DO need some time to figure things out?

Personally, I can totally understand and appreciate his "I'm getting too serious about you" line and the decision to back off, which in turn always leaves the other person wondering what's going on. Honestly, haven't you ever found yourself in a relationship where you liked the other person more than they seemed to like you back? So you start to back off to protect your own heart? Hey, speaking for myself, I know that feeling exists -- I go through it daily with a certain ex-girlfriend of mine, where we do a constant dance around each other over "how much" we still love and care about each other. Which is certainly headache inducing since right now she's living with another guy, but still talks to me and constantly leaves me warm, romantic messages guaranteed to screw with my head continually. Speaking as a guy often baffled by romance: go figure!

ANYWAY...the way I see it, this will be a great chance for Bionca and her guy to be together and to see how close they can actually be, in terms of taking things up a notch long term. Hey, if nothing else it will be an all-new test in patience. Bionca will now find out just how much it irritates her when her fella leaves the cap off the toothpaste!

[Bionca]

CM, thanks for this post. The thing is, neither Dustin nor I were really looking for anything serious when we met. He was still in the middle of a break up and I pretty much gave up on guys having any sort of honest intentions. I was disappointed when he had his issues to be sure. After all it was just another guy who couldn't handle being attracted to me as a person, not just a kinky curiosity.

The difference is - he came back. He actually thought through his fears and got some advice from his brother, read a book, and tried to work out his feelings. He's apologized to me and is taking things as slowly as I want.

He has his faults (so do I). He is trying though. For me, this is the first time in almost 2 years that I am guaranteed that my date will actually be at the movies when I get there. He hasn't ditched me to talk to my (more attractive) trans* friends. He doesn't insist that I only see him at night and swing 'round the back (or wait outside until he gets a good look at me first).

[CreativeMind]

Originally Posted by Bionca

CM, thanks for this post.

You're welcome.
And good luck - we're all rooting for you.

Originally Posted by Bionca

He has his faults (so do I).

OH HO! So now the REAL truth comes out!
Disregard what I said at the end of my last post!!
Turns out BIONCA is the one who leaves the cap off the toothpaste, not him!!!

[hankhavelock]

Originally Posted by Bionca

CM, thanks for this post...

I agree... CM, you're right, we tend to be so f****** pessimistic....

I think it sounds swell, Mizzy B. I'm totally jealous, of course, but jealous in a good way, baby! Remember, not everybody is a HankyPanky who just said: "Ok, so gorgeous, my girl is a tranny..." Most guys have to learn to live with their own damn inner self first. Don't ask me why!

But if he is good to you, respects you, adores you, loves you, kisses you, holds your hand (in public), touches your little ladyboy ass (in public too), opens the doors for you, lights your cigarette (you probably don't smoke), pours your wine... and generally just shows his deep emotions for you, then move on, baby!

If he also blows you empty and in general believes that real women have cocks, THEN you're home free! :-)

I wish you all, all, all the best, darling, with that new bf of yours!

Megatons of kisses!

H

[merelypink]

you can be my roomie

[Titivilus]

So, I haven't seen an update in a bit, and now I'm curious.

Merelypink, having read through some of your posts, you seem to have a sensible head on your shoulders. Having said that, I know very well how little that applies when attraction strikes.

To be honest, my first reaction was the same as most. I immediately determined that this guy is not ready to have you in his life in any kind of serious way.

After reading additional posts, however, I waffled a bit. There were many good points made, most specifically that he isn't afraid to appear in public with you.

But then I looked at your avatar. If that pic is actually YOU, then I can't imagine ANYONE being bothered by having you draped over their arm. So, that got me thinking again.

What I eventually concluded (and please, I don't know you in the slightest, speaking out of my proverbial asshole here), is that he MIGHT be the "right one", but perhaps he's just not there yet. I've been down that road myself, and it's quite a grey area.

The other big elephant in the room is that YOUR instincts flagged the situation with red, and in the end, I tend to trust instincts. Nature did provide the tools, after all, and we should definitely pay attention.

So, ultimately, I'm very curious as to the outcome.

How are things at this point?

[merelypink]

hope it all goes well

[siamgirl]

Originally Posted by Bionca

My fella had a bit of bad luck with his roomies. They decided to up and move out of state giving him very little notice. Thankfully his land lord was willing to let him out of his lease, but that left him with limited options on where to live.

This is a guy who almost one year ago dumped me because he was "getting to serious" about me and needed to check his head. He later came back (obviously), but I'm still pretty unsure.

Given that I'm a giant softy, I couldn't exactly let him sleep on his friends' couches (or worse yet unofficially living with me). We have a spare room, that more like an apartment in the basement (giant closet and private bathroom), so we will be letting him stay here with us for the time being.

Things have been getting more serious between us...slowly... so I guess I'll just have to wait and see. I want to be excited and all starry-eyed about this (after all he's been mooning over this for a week), but I just can't. He's a good guy and he's trying. I just can't put my finger on why I'm apprehensive. The only thing I can think of is being gun shy after my ex, and probably missing all the good reading time I got waiting for dates that didn't show up.

So, wish me (us) luck and I hope I can get out of my funk before I become too jaded about relationships to be self-defeating.

Hello Bionca, I personally think your apprehension is not only justified but also very natural . This apprehension is like a safety feature in a car, we hope we will never need that airbag, but its very comforting to know its there. We tgirls will always be apprehensive towards would-be soulmates, and rightly so. We have a lot to offer and we are as sure as hell not going to give it to someone that is unsure concerning our gender. Our highway is a long one before we meet our final destination, we disappoint a lot of family and friends en-route before they realise we are girls and cant change our genes. Most men seem to have a problem with committing themselves wholly to a tgirl, just ask your bf to introduce you to his close friends and family. If he stalls or needs to think it over, forget him. To be honest, I have given up on men and my soulmate is a Japanese g-girl called Honoka. She?s a wonderful person that I can trust and we are proud of one and other. We are inseparable and now her family not only accept me, they really seem to admire me. To put it in a nutshell Bionca, your future soulmate , whether male, female or tgirl, will commit themselves and be proud of you. You are a beautiful lady and deserve the best. Hugs, Cindy

[smc]

The original post of Bionca's in this thread is more than a year old. There has been a lot of "water under the bridge," as a review of Bionca's other posts (visible by going to her profile page and clicking on the link to a list of her posts) will illustrate.

[Bionca]

I actually haven't updated this at all. The fella and I broke up after he cheated and he moved out. We have started kinda dating very casually, but no plans for him to move in again. I live with my prother and his family and they don't need that drama.

[Risquevania]

Are you saying you are back with the person who cheated on you? That's just a bad idea imo. Never a good idea to go back.

[shadows]

Originally Posted by merelypink

hope it all goes well

You know, it would be really nice if you would actually check the date of a thread before you make a post. You know as well as I what has happened recently(considering how you POSTED in that freaking thread before it was deleted!!!) and I am sure Bionca doesn't need this rehashed again.