You have a T-Girl..so now what??

[Bionca]

For you guys who haven't dated or been in the company of a transwoman (ladyboy, shemale..etc.) here a a few tips. This is for actual dates wher you meet for dinner or drinks or coffee and money is not exchanged for the company.

1) DO: Use correct pronouns. SHE is not a "He" no matter what the doctors said at birth.

2) DON'T: Tell her she looks like a woman. Compliment her on how she looks (if you feel like it), but for goodness sake don't act surprised. That tells her you expected a "man in a dress".

3) DO: Be punctual, or communicate if you wil be running late. It's polite and lots of TGs get stood up. Being really late with no explanation or warning tells anyone that they aren't really important.

4) DON'T: Ask her what her "Real" name or "boy" name is. This probably brings up an unpleasant time in her life and it is often used by people to keep us in our place as "not really women" or "failed men".

5) DON'T ask to see a picture of when she looked like a guy. Same as above but way way more. If you ever do see a picture of her from this time, understand that she is showing you herself when she was probably feeling her worst.

6) DO: Try to impress her. You don't have to treat her like a princess, but you should use your best dating manners (ask what she likes to do, pay attention to her, smile alot).

7) DON'T: Treat her like your buddy. It's like above, but more. Don't leave her alone while you chat up another girl. She won't take that as well as your guy friends would. Walk her to her door, even if you aren't getting sex.

8) DO: Understand that she is an individual and has her own likes and dislikes. It will help your cause if you don't assume too much about her.

9) DON'T: Ask about her genitalia or transgender history in public, or at least do it quietly. Most of us try to live unobserved in our daily lives. Broadcasting that your date has or had a penis is simply not safe for either of you.

10) DO: Have fun! Take her to a place you are both comfortable, get to know eachother, laugh and makes jokes, be relaxed and be prepared to have a great night with a woman who will notice and appreciate every little kindness and polite gesture you make.

[Joebad]

Good advice Bionca.

[SSL]

Excellent article Bionca, thanks for taking time to lay this down. I'm going to publish this at the blog too so more people could read that

thanks again

[giancarlo]

It seems like that one was from the bottom of your heart. You did great posting this here.

[Bionca]

Originally Posted by Shemale Sex Lover

Excellent article Bionca, thanks for taking time to lay this down. I'm going to publish this at the blog too so more people could read that

thanks again

:D Wow I'm honored, thanks

[ts4me]

I've been reading your posts in the dating area & here. Not only do you read like an intelligent, grounded, "sane", person--you are very beautiful on the outside, too. Your last guy sounds like a loser. You deserve better--remember that!

Good luck!

Al

[Bionca]

Thank you very much Al :D

I noticed that you used your first post to write this *blush*

[DEFENDER]

Thankyou for this posting Bionca.
Your article should essential reading for all guys with a desire to date a shemale.
With respect.

[twistedone]

Thanks for taking the time to post your advice. Its good advice, and I intend to take it to heart.

[sesame]

Thanks for such an informative article. It really gives us an inside view of what goes on in the mind of a Tgirl. Some people may be foolish enough and inadvertently hurt her feelings.
Thanks again. You have been very good to us. A boon.

[Bionca]

Thnks for the positive comments. I can't tell you the number of times myself or my friends have gone out with guys who did ALL the wrong things.

[briana]

Well written post, I have read some of your other posts as well. You are articulate,intellegent and very down to earth, and seem like a very understanding and easy to talk to person. You mentioned your a swkr and a degree in anthropology, is that correct? ( i work in the healing arts as well,and a degree in psyche) Very interesting, Ill bet you would be a treat to talk with, somone to have a REAL conversation about anything and everything. Your are a real catch, It would be nice to chat sometime.
best of luck to you.

[BlueRaven88]

lol i read through your tips bionca and i have to say that these are kind of 'no shit shirlock' tips. do people actually treat T-Girls as guys? they may have a penis but for god's sake they aren't men and if they were half of us wouldn't be interested because we aren't attracted to masculinity. good tips though for those of us here that didn't already know this sort of stuff :P

[Bionca]

Unfortunately, yes, I or my friend Staci (a toally HOT gurl), have dated guys who have done each of these things - usually many of them on a date. This comes from guys who either think they need to go through the motions of a "real date" to get some sex or guys who feel like they are doing us a favor.

Probably the worst date took me to a crowded bar in my neighborhood on a Friday night. We sat at the bar for some drinks to chat after dinner. The bar was busy and noisy and small, so we had to almost shout to eachother to have a conversation. He started off asking me if I was "getting the 'big guy' cut off" (or something just as crude). I looked at him blankly and he said it LOUDER (I guess he thought i didnt hear it the first time). I shruggedhoping he'd get the hint. Then he asked "what's your REAL name.. when you were a dude." At this point I knew the people around me had heard their expressions changed and they looked at eachother and started to laugh, then they really LOOKED at me. I excused myself and went to the bathroom to try to calm down (I also wondered if I could fit through the tiny window in te bathroom and escape all together).

When I came out my date wasn't in our seats, and someone had taken them. I looked around and he was at a table with three girls. I saw him collecting some pieces of paper from two of them. I walked up and smiled and pointed out that out seats were gone. He smiled, put the papers in hs pocket, gave me that "guy punch" in the upper arm and said "Hey man, you how us guys are".

I turned to the table of women and said "Good luck... he's all yours". Then I promptly left. The absolute worst part was him calling a few days later like nothing happened, he had no idea why I was pissed and didn't want to go out again.

That was the crappiest date, and those were the parts where my perception of myself and his perception did not meet. He was, in general, also just a crappy date.
I c

[brianna]

Well needed advice to treat our transgendered friends with the utmost respect, as we should with any woman. - not like porn star fantasies/novelties.

Thank you.

[brianna]

Originally Posted by Bionca

He was, in general, also just a crappy date.
I c

You've really opened my eyes. I know there's all types out there, but I'd never thought something like this could happen.

How do you assess potential dates after this type of experience? What do you look for in a guy before you'll go out with him?

[Bionca]

I wish I had some actual advice on how to weed out the duds from the studs (lol). Just trust your gut and try to get to know guys before meeting them.

[curiousguy51973]

Thanks for the tips Bionca.
Basically if I ever get the chance, treat her as the woman she is, right?

[Bionca]

The short answer.. yes, treat her like the woman she is. The best answer... treat her like the individual person she is.

[milesfink]

Great job....great advice

[sesame]

Bionca,
I am amazed on seeing how honest you are! Those tips you wrote were from your actual life? Wow! After reading the incident at the bar, I think that the man you took as a date was really insensitive. It may be that he is a half-witted person, but chances are that he was having fun insulting you. Some people are cruel right to the core.
Try not to associate with people with skin deep beauty. You are a very clever person. So, see whats in his mind, before giving up all your sensitive details to him. Someone who knows a lot about you and your neighbourhood, can inflict a lot of damage and cause pain. Dont rush, for heaven's sake. Go slow.
Thanks for sharing your field notes with us.

[SweetCharmer]

i'm really ashamed to think that there are men out there like that. For me
Bionca most of my friends see me as an idiot at time just because i'm and old fashion person when it comes to relationships, now a days i hear from my friends "oh i met this really fit girl and she was good in bed and gice me the best BJ" and all that. to me sleeping with the person you like on the first night isn't good no offence to anyone. i just do it the old way courting and whatnot y'know getting to know them first and then thinking about sex at another time and here's the punchline. all the girls i've dated have been the type to want sex on the first night so when i wanna know them better i'm usually dumped in the first couple of weeks or at most 3 months so yeah i know what you mean by insensitive people

[Bionca]

Originally Posted by sesame

Bionca,
I am amazed on seeing how honest you are! Those tips you wrote were from your actual life? Wow! After reading the incident at the bar, I think that the man you took as a date was really insensitive. It may be that he is a half-witted person, but chances are that he was having fun insulting you. Some people are cruel right to the core.
Try not to associate with people with skin deep beauty. You are a very clever person. So, see whats in his mind, before giving up all your sensitive details to him. Someone who knows a lot about you and your neighbourhood, can inflict a lot of damage and cause pain. Dont rush, for heaven's sake. Go slow.
Thanks for sharing your field notes with us.

Well, I need to be upfront wiith guys about being trans. I don't want to get in a sitution where I need to have a conversation about it. At best we keep going out, but he doesn't trust me any more. At worst, I'm not physically safe. So, it's a risk I take while needing to be genuine.

I will however, never let my non-trans friends fix me up again. For people who know me, they must have a low opinion of me . Either that or they thnk "I have a tranny friend and this guy here wants to do a tranny.. I'll fix them up on a date".

[Bionca]

Originally Posted by SweetCharmer

i'm really ashamed to think that there are men out there like that. For me
Bionca most of my friends see me as an idiot at time just because i'm and old fashion person when it comes to relationships, now a days i hear from my friends "oh i met this really fit girl and she was good in bed and gice me the best BJ" and all that. to me sleeping with the person you like on the first night isn't good no offence to anyone. i just do it the old way courting and whatnot y'know getting to know them first and then thinking about sex at another time and here's the punchline. all the girls i've dated have been the type to want sex on the first night so when i wanna know them better i'm usually dumped in the first couple of weeks or at most 3 months so yeah i know what you mean by insensitive people

While I have been known to show the goods on a first date, there is nothing like the build up that happens by courting eachother. It probably sn't that the girs wanted sex on the first night, but rather they expected it. They probably read your desire to wait fro sex as rejection. Even if you tolf them up front that you want to wait.. most women won't believe it because most guys will lie about sex to get more. So women who have their self-image partly wrapped up in how they look (most are guilty) will be a little hurt by the "rejection" of sex.

[hankhavelock]

Hi Bionca

Great points and super that you share your experience and feelings the constructive way you do. Unfortunately fora such as this one are often lacking a sane input from trangender women, and that is of course a shame, since you are what this is all about :-)

In general I agree with your advice, I do, how ever, have some comments to your points based on my life so far with transgender women as my lovers, partners and above all my dearest friends.

But in general it’s simple – be a gentleman! And maybe even more so, a little bit, if you happen to be out on your first date with a transsexual woman !



1) DO: Use correct pronouns. SHE is not a "He" no matter what the doctors said at birth.

Always use She – but be alert. If you’re dating a transvestite (and not a transsexual), you may have to pick up on her/his signals. Listen carefully to how she herself uses pronouns.

2) DON'T: Tell her she looks like a woman. Compliment her on how she looks (if you feel like it), but for goodness sake don't act surprised. That tells her you expected a "man in a dress".

Absolutely!

3) DO: Be punctual, or communicate if you wil be running late. It's polite and lots of TGs get stood up. Being really late with no explanation or warning tells anyone that they aren't really important.

That’s actually true – I have many transsexual friends who get stood up by stupid guys who chicken out in the last minute and don’t have the guts to tell her. Be a MAN! Of course, my suggestion is NEVER to chicken out on a date with a transsexual woman once you’re lucky enough to get a date. Swallow your nervousness (you really don’t have to be nervous at all) and go to her with open mind, heart and arms.

4) DON'T: Ask her what her "Real" name or "boy" name is. This probably brings up an unpleasant time in her life and it is often used by people to keep us in our place as "not really women" or "failed men".

But on the other hand, don’t step away from it – making a transsexual woman understand that you completely accept and even appreciate her male biological gender and past may for some be a reassurance of your acceptance of her as a full person. But thread with care.

5) DON'T ask to see a picture of when she looked like a guy. Same as above but way way more. If you ever do see a picture of her from this time, understand that she is showing you herself when she was probably feeling her worst.

I agree – but again, showing your appreciation of her entire history is also telling her that you accept it all. And remember, not all transsexuals are ashamed of their male biology. Some will actually expect you to show as much appreciation of the ”man behind the woman” in front of you.

6) DO: Try to impress her. You don't have to treat her like a princess, but you should use your best dating manners (ask what she likes to do, pay attention to her, smile alot).

ALWAYS! And remember that transsexual woman are more often than not more feminine than their genetic sisters both in regards to looks and mind-set. I’d say DO treat her like a pincess !!!

And remember that YOU’RE DATING A WOMAN! Her sexuality is not determined by what’s between her legs but what’s between her ears (sorry about this stupid remark) :-)

7) DON'T: Treat her like your buddy. It's like above, but more. Don't leave her alone while you chat up another girl. She won't take that as well as your guy friends would. Walk her to her door, even if you aren't getting sex.

Gentleman, always! As you would a genetic woman.

8) DO: Understand that she is an individual and has her own likes and dislikes. It will help your cause if you don't assume too much about her

Nothing gender-specific about that :-)

9) DON'T: Ask about her genitalia or transgender history in public, or at least do it quietly. Most of us try to live unobserved in our daily lives. Broadcasting that your date has or had a penis is simply not safe for either of you.

Honestly, talking to any one about their genital disposition would be considered rather bad style in any circumstances… but ofcourse, it may come up. Then take it gracefully – and remember, transesexual woman may have very different approaches to this particular topic. Some are totally fine with their (socalled) male genitalia, others are uncomfortable. Again, move with grace.

10) DO: Have fun! Take her to a place you are both comfortable, get to know eachother, laugh and makes jokes, be relaxed and be prepared to have a great night with a woman who will notice and appreciate every little kindness and polite gesture you make.

That’s the whole point – if you’re finally out on a date with a transsexual woman, you are there because you want to be. ENJOY THE MOMENT, MAN! Quickly over come your initial inhibitions, shyness and embarrasment and start enjoying the moment COMPLETELY – she said yes to date you. Now treat her accordingly as you would any other woman you asked for a date. There really is no difference! Except for the fact that this is probably the woman you TRULY want! And now she's sitting here with you! WOW!

Guys, I guess I've had my share of dinners, dates et al with wonderful transgender women and I continuously will, and I PROMISE you that it is neither dangerous nor embarrassing.

Was I nervous on my first date with Fey, my first transsexual girlfriend (and today my best friend)? A bit - but more excited than nervous. But I guess I'm always a bit agitated and full of excitement the first time I go on a date. So cherish the moment! Bask in it! And if you're lucky enough to get that date, then allow yourself to fully enjoy it! It may be your first important step to finding out who you truly are!

And once you hold her, once you kiss her, once you two share your hearts and minds and bodies... then you'll fully know what I mean. Then you finally have come home. Believe it!

Good luck!

Hank

[Bionca]

Hank, I agree 100%. Take cues from the woman you are dating. It can feel like a strange balancing act "Do I talk aabout IT?" "Do I ignore IT?" "What if I want to touch IT?" Thankfully most Transwomen are aware of the delema and have enough understanding of men to know that direct communication wins over sublte hints every time.

I also did mean to imply that a guy should ignore a Transwoman's "male" past. Hell, I did some awesome stuff as a guy that I'd love to share with a potential boyfriend. It is just rude to press for that information on a first date.

[hankhavelock]

Originally Posted by Bionca

I also did mean to imply that a guy should ignore a Transwoman's "male" past. Hell, I did some awesome stuff as a guy that I'd love to share with a potential boyfriend. It is just rude to press for that information on a first date.

Hahaha - that's a lovely remark :-) Actually, I believe that once you pass your inhibitions (transsexuals also have to pass their inhibitions... it's not only the nervous, nervewrecked guys on their first date with a DAAANGEROUS woman :-) and feel comfortable about doing so, then you've probably found the right guy ;-) But on the first date? Oh well, why not :-)

[Bionca]

One thing that this site has helped me realise is the point of view of the guys who are curious to meet a girl like me. I think, for me, I have already puzzled out gender and sexuality issues as far as my life goes. It's all pretty old news here. But for guys, it's new and in a way just a frightening as it was for me at first.

I'm saying that I should accept poor treatment because some guy is new to this. But a bit more understanding and maybe be a bit less critical.

[TheSkronkDonkey]

Cheers, Bionca. Without wishing to condescend, I'd say that that list is pretty simple and obvious. The bottom line is RESPECT. With a little modification to the wording, those rules could easily apply to any budding relationship with any person of any colour, creed or gender.

It made me cringe reading that date story of yours, Bionca. I would never dream of behaving like that to anyone. In fact, awkwardness sometimes occurs because I tend to tread a little too carefully, sometimes (inadvertently) appearing tongue tied or disinterested. There is such a thing as being overly cautious. I'm talking about meeting new people in general (never met a transsexual -- that I know of!). That guy really deserved a slap, but I guess you're above such things.

[thequietone1]

I had a big post all typed up but decided to spare you all the shit it contained when a word given/used by a Thai friend in a conversation about her progression popped into my head. It is what you personify Bionca. Im not gonna kiss your ass, you know you better than I, but I think this word is partly yours also.

Shine.



And, Im gonna borrow from the great Eric Clapton as thats what popped into my head when I first saw your pics in this thread.

" We go a party
And everyone turns to see
This beautiful lady
Thats walking around with me
And then she asks me
Do you feel alright
And I say yes, I feel wonderful tonight"


I'll go climb back on my bong now. Thx B. You make this planet a little more bareable for some of us out here