funny joke!

[DSL]

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

Mary had a little lamb,
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb NFBSK!"

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses and all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.

Hey diddle diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

Georgie Porgy Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car

[simmo]

A wife says to her husband, "what would you do if I won the Lotto?"
He says, "I'd take half then leave you."
"Excellent," she replies, "I won 12 bucks, here's $6, now F** off!"

[ila]

Angrypostman push your keyboard aside before you read this so that you don't ruin another one.


After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on hertrips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife receivedthe following letter from the local Target

Dear Mrs. Smith,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Smith, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

[DSL]

101 Things to do at Walmart


1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

4. Start playing Football; see how many people you can get to join in.

5. Run up to an employee (preferrebly a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him &quotI need some tampons!!"

6. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.

7. Try on bras over top of your clothes.

8. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms

9. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible &quotsex and candy"

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, &quotI think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.

11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to &quot10&quot.

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, &quotHi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, &quotWho BUYS this shit, anyway?"

15. Repeat #14 in the jewelry department.

16. Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.

17. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, &quotWow. Magic!"

20. Put M&M's on layaway.

21. Move &quotCaution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

24. Nonchalantly &quottest" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, &quot...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell &quothello" upside down.

29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, &quotWhy won't you people just leave me alone?"

30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, &quotRed Rover!"

31. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

33. Take bets on the battle described above.

34. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!)

35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

36. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from &quotMission: Impossible."

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

40. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

41. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.

42. Set up a &quotValet Parking" sign in front of the store.

43. Two words: &quotMarco Polo."

44. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle,etc.

45. &quotRe-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

46. In the auto department, practice your &quotMadonna" look with various funnels.

47. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like &quotthe fat man walks alone," and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them

48. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying &quotHow could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.

49. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, &quotNo, no! It's those voices again!"

50. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.

51. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

52. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying &quotGood girl, good bessie."

53. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putiing one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.

54. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something,quickly make off with it without saying a word.

55. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

56. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

57. Test the fishing rods and see what you can &quotcatch" from the other aisles.

58. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. &quothi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)." When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. &quothi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle)."

59. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

60. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

61. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.

62. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

63. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

64. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

65. Say things like, &quotWould you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"

66. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., &quotDo you have any Shnerples here?"

67. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a &quottest drive."

68. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

69. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it.

70. Get an empty book, and say it's a guest book. Get people to sign.

71. Play a game of indoor freeze tag

72. Drive around the entrances screaming out the window &quotthe British are coming"

73. Have a team race with your friends- one person sits in the cart, the other pushes

74. Go to the checkout and buy a bar of candy. Repeat, going to the same cash register, until the clerk notices

75. Fill your cart up as much as possible, and then try to use the express lane

76. Use a bullhorn and occasionally say that there is free candy in aisle X (aisle X being the condom aisle)

77. Run into a pyramid of cans, heroically saing &quotI'm gonna save us from that bomb!"

78. Use a conveyer belt as a treadmill and lose some weight

79. Grab heavy but not too heavy objects, and see who can throw them the most aisles over.

80. When people aren't looking, put tampons in their carts if they are a guy, or if they are a gal, put in a jock strap.

81. Randomly direct people to the deodorant section

82. Tell someone that you will sue for false advertising, since they do not sell walls.

83. Take your boyfriend or girlfriend to the food section and have an expensive dinner.

84. Try to push your cart through a checkout without paying. When the clerk tries to stop you, kick in his balls (dont try it on a chick, it wont work), run, but leave the cart. See what happens.

85. If people arent looking at their cart, steal it.

86. Go to the gun section, saying &quotCan I buy a gun? I'm tired of that stupid smily face!"

87. Buy expensive stuff, go home and use wite-out and a pen to change the price to something much lower, and the total much higher, then return and demand a refund.

88. See how much stuff you can break before you get caught

89. Take a leak in the dressing rooms.

90. Repeadeately say &quotThe clowns are not eating me."

91. Use fake checks, but sign them using your neighbors name.

92. Rearrange items as you see fit.

93. Take a full set of guy's clothes and a full set of gal's clothes, then leave them lying somewhere.

94. Put pokemon stuff in a cart that is full of stuff like KoRn and Limp Bizkit CDs

95. Grab condoms and stick them in everyone's face (only the opposite sex)

96. Do #95 but with the same sex (not recomended)

97. Grab stickers that say &quotradioactive" and put them randomly on food items.

98. Follow someone until they notice

99. Puoll out pins, like that guy form the 7up commercial

100. Loiter. When asked to leave, tell them you live here.

101. Record yourself while having sex, then have it play over and over gain in the middle of a clothes rack.

[simmo]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times..

When she is about to hand him another batch again ....he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.

'We can't chew them because we've got no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

[DSL]

Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform.

I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the lderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.

What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks. What the fuck were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house.

Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. I'll fuck you up. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that fucking bike. FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH.


Sincerely, yours
Little Johnny

[Jenae LaTorque]

Dear Johnny,
Welcome to the real world you snot nosed brat. The reason the kid across the street got so many toys is because his old man feels guilty for molesting him everytime he comes home drunk. Meanwhile, there are many other kids around the world who don't even have a safe place to sleep, let alone enough food to eat or decent clothes to cover their sick disease-wracked bodies.
Now that you are a year older, it's about time that you realized that there really isn't no ME(Santa Claus); there ain't no Easter Bunny, tooth fairy, or pie-in-the-sky-when-you-die! What you see is what you get. You live, you die-that ain't no lie; what you do in the meanwhile is all that counts. So if you want to be an asshole, go ahead. Join the line of losers. Or you can learn to think for yourself, and figure out for yourself what it will take to make yourself a "good life". There are many "Truths" out there and some critical thinking will show you which are real and which are bullshit. So quit your bitchin' about imaginary shit and get with the program.

Stupid Actually Not There Asshole

P.S. Quit pickin on your sister. Instead of writing whiney letters, she signed up for some martial arts classes.

[simmo]

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should have known......
ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

[noble1337]

simmo changed my view on christmas forever :P.,,,

[ladyboyadmirer]

Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.

Mick says 'how you doin?'

Paddy says ' do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are bloody freezing....'

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed.

He says 'your dad's sent me up here to shag the both of you'.

They say 'get away with ya.. prove it.'

Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'

Paddy shouts back 'of course both of em, what's the point of just fuckin one...?'

[randolph]

Early Dismissal


A "Little Johnny" story involving - guess who?



It is near the Christmas break of the school year.

The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do.

All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

[DSL]

Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Little Johnny?"

"My goldfish died," replied Little Johnny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

As Little Johnny patted down the last heap of earth he then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat!!!!...."

[simmo]

This seems a little daunting to start with but if you apply yourself you may find that it's not as difficult as you think.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-kg potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-kg potato sacks.

Then try 25-kg potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50-kg potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each sack.

[Jenae LaTorque]

My uncle Emory has been known to have a drink now and then but he certainly isn't no drunk! One afternoon he was at the bar when him and another fella started discussing a possible sale of a tractor. After a time they decided to run out to the fella's farm to look at the tractor Uncle Emory was considering buying. Was no point in taking both outfits, so they hopped in the other guy's truck and off they went. After looking at the tractor and coming to an understanding, the old boy mentioned he was going catfishing that evening and bragged about what a sweet spot the hole was he had found. So off they went and had a hell of a good time as the fishin' was every bit as good as the guy said. The upshot of it was that Uncle Emory didn't get back to his 1947 Willys pickup until after midnight.

The next morning down in the coffee shop, where my Uncle always goes for breakfast, he bacame aware of some glares and frowns from a nearby table where the widow Brownston and several women church buddies were hashing over the latest gossip. Things were made clear when the Widow B made a rather loud comment about "some people being at the bar all night when it was stripper night" Once a month, the local bar would have some out of town strippers in for a night and the previous night was the night.

Uncle Emory didn't say a thing, but that evening he took his Willy's truck over and parked it in front of Widow Brownston's house where he left it all night until he picked it up around seven the next morning.

[sesame]

Originally Posted by Jenae LaTorque

but that evening he took his Willy's truck over and parked it in front of Widow Brownston's house where he left it all night

That was a good one, Jenna!!

Simmo, excellent! "After you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each sack"

[simmo]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello.

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,

'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching '

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

[dauls]

Fondling In Bed

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one
night, when the wife became aware that her husband was
touching her in a way he hadn?t in quite some time.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and
the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts,
touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his
hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her
stomach, and then down the other side to a point below
her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first
one side and the other.

His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His
gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh,
stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she
squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped
abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

She whispered, "That was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

He replied, "I found the remote."

[simmo]

An Unhappy Husband is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife.
He immediately dials 999.

Husband: ''It's my wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've killed her!''

Operator: ''Please calm down Sir, can you first make sure she is actually dead!''

*click* *BANG*

Husband: ''Okay, done that. What next?''

[simmo]

A teacher at a TAFE College reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-arsed boy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,

'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

[rockabilly]

Why did the blonde put crackers down her panties ?

Because everything tastes better on a Ritz.

[ladyboyadmirer]

A THOUGHTFUL SCOTTISH HUSBAND ?
Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub ? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Margaret - put your hat and coat on lassie.'
She replied, ' Awe Jock that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you ?'
'Nah', Jock replied, 'I'm switching the central heating off while I'm oot.'

[The Conquistador]

What did Spock find when he went to the bathroom?









The Captain's Log

[simmo]

A psychologist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mum, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again it manifests in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mum, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered,
'Come on Dick, this bloke has no idea what he's talking about.
Lets pick Willy up from school and go home.'

[randolph]

My Frog Doesn`t Work
on January 16th, 2001A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: `Oral Sex` frogs! Only $20 each! Money back guarantee!! (Comes with complete instructions). The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody`s watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, `I`ll take one.`
The man packaged the frog and said, `Just follow the instructions carefully.`
The girl nods, grabs the box and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do.

1. Take a shower
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the from down `there`.

She then quickly gets into bed, puts the frog between her legs and to her surprise, nothing happens. The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, `If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.` So, the girl calls the pet store. The man says, `I had some complaints earlier today. I`ll be right over. Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, `See, I`ve done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there.` The man looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: `Listen to me! I`m only going to show you how to do this one more time!!!!!

[simmo]

I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?'
The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?'
I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
----------------------------
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.'
I said 'No, just a watch.'
------------------------------
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.'
The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
-------------------------
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
----------------------------
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
---------------------------
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work?
I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
--------------------------
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.'
He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
----------------------
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
--------------------------
I phoned the local builders today,
I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?'
He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
--------------------------------
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
--------------------------
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny:
you couldn't swing a cat in there.
--------------------------
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar'
I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
---------------------------
I phoned the local gym and I asked
if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, 'How flexible are you?'
I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
--------------------------------
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I rent Batman Forever?'
He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
--------------------------------

[simmo]

Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

“Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.

A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door jumped over the fence and was in our yard before we knew it.

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,"
but before she could say 'Fuck Off', the Rottweiler ate her!

[simmo]

he; let's make this a great weekend
she: that's a fantastic idea

he: good, we'll see each other on monday then

[Tbone]

A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over.

Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far.

His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside. He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting - "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

[simmo]

Wedding Fairy:

A married couple in their early 60's were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant...

Suddenly, a tiny, yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - Two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity
like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years
younger than I."

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So, the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 93 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....

[simmo]

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8.. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone ?20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse ... then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[simmo]

When I first noticed that my penis was growing larger
and staying erect longer, I was delighted, as was my wife
But after several weeks, my penis had grown fifty centimeters.
I became quite concerned. I was having problems dressing,
and even walking. So the wife and I went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to us that,
though rare, my condition ' Donkey Doodle ', it could be fixed
through corrective surgery.

"How long will he be on crutches?" my wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gunna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

[ladyboyadmirer]

Getting old in Florida
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Bonita Springs , doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?' The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.' The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?' The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.' After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?'
************************************************** ********
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Ft. Lauderdale reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.. The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.
************************************************** ********
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?' He replies, 'I lived here years ago.' 'So, where were you all these years?' 'In prison,' he says. 'Why did they put you in prison?' He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.' 'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single?
************************************************** ********
Two elderly people living in Ft. Myers , he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse. The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?' After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered 'Yes.. Yes, I will!' The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?' He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ' Yes' or did you say 'No'?' He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A man was telling his neighbor in Miami , 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty pm.'
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice cream parlor in Naples , and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'haemorrhoids

[tonywaits]

Originally Posted by Jenae LaTorque

Three tgirl lovers died in a car wreck and all arrived together at the gates of heaven.

St. Peter asked the first one, "How many t-girls did you fuck in your life?"

Tgirl lover 1: "Three."

St Peter: Fine, here are your 3 meter silver wings. You are now an angel.

St. Peter asked the second one, "How many Tgirls did you fuck in your life?"

Tgirl Lover 2: "At least fifty or more."

St. Peter: "Wonderful! Here are your 3 meter gold wings. You are an angel."

And St Peter asked the third one, "How many T-girls did you fuck in your lifetime?"

Tgirl Lover 3: "Well actually ...... none."

St Peter: "Well, here are your wings of 28 centimeters. You are a stupid chicken."

That's hilarious. I love it. LMAO

[GCharles]

Here's one, it's from Peter Kay's stand up. Sounds funnier live then typed but oh well:

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ?Guess? on it. I said, Thyroid problem?"

[The Conquistador]

Did you hear about Germany's new strategy for the European economic crisis?





Invade France.

[smc]

Originally Posted by TheAngryPostman

Did you hear about Germany's new strategy for the European economic crisis?

Invade France.

That reminds me of a great Top 10 list David Letterman had back in the days when his show was consistently funny. It was something like "Top 10 Things the French are Doing to Prepare for German Reunification." One thing on the list was this:

Printing up 50 million t-shirts that read, "Don't shoot. I'm a collaborator."

[The Conquistador]

Originally Posted by smc

That reminds me of a great Top 10 list David Letterman had back in the days when his show was consistently funny. It was something like "Top 10 Things the French are Doing to Prepare for German Reunification." One thing on the list was this:

Printing up 50 million t-shirts that read, "Don't shoot. I'm a collaborator."

Hahahahaha!

[randolph]

In a French quiz show, a contestant was asked what went around the Earth, Sun, Moon, Venus or Saturn. He didn't seem to know so the host asked the audience for a vote. The audience voted about evenly between the Sun and the Moon. Whew and I thought a lot of people in this country are stupid. I think the French probably outdid us on that one.

[The Conquistador]

It's hard to believe that the french, of all people, have one of the most hardcore, awesome military groups ever; The French Foreign Legion. It just boggles the mind.

Originally Posted by TheAngryPostman

It's hard to believe that the french, of all people, have one of the most hardcore, awesome military groups ever; The French Foreign Legion. It just boggles the mind.

Although most of them aren't actually French - there's a hint in the name...

[The Conquistador]

Originally Posted by Natalie_J

Although most of them aren't actually French - there's a hint in the name...

I know that. Only the officers are frogs.

[ila]

Originally Posted by TheAngryPostman

It's hard to believe that the french, of all people, have one of the most hardcore, awesome military groups ever; The French Foreign Legion. It just boggles the mind.

Originally Posted by Natalie_J

Although most of them aren't actually French - there's a hint in the name...

Originally Posted by TheAngryPostman

I know that. Only the officers are frogs.

You would be amazed at how many French nationals have joined the FFL.

[The Conquistador]

Originally Posted by ila

You would be amazed at how many French nationals have joined the FFL.

My bad. Perhaps I should have said only French nationals can rise to the ranks of officer.

Still, it is amazing that the french have a badass fighting force.

[smc]

Originally Posted by ila

You would be amazed at how many French nationals have joined the FFL.

What's surprising about that? You would expect that people who think Jerry Lewis is so funny would also want to wear the FFL's ridiculous hats.

[The Conquistador]

Originally Posted by smc

What's surprising about that? You would expect that people who think Jerry Lewis is so funny would also want to wear the FFL's ridiculous hats.

Kepi's are awesome, so are fez's and pith helmets and the picklehaube. Your dislike of kepi's I find rather odd but the whole Jerry Lewis thing? Totally on board with that.

[ila]

Originally Posted by smc

What's surprising about that? You would expect that people who think Jerry Lewis is so funny would also want to wear the FFL's ridiculous hats.

Their berets are rather ridiculous looking. The flap hangs down on the left side instead of the right. The colour is pretty decent though.

[smc]

A rather obvious French Foreign Legion joke, since this is the joke thread:

A very respected Captain in the Foreign Legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "Why is a camel tied to the barracks?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do ... uh ... we have the camel ready for them.”

The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me”. After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn't control his sexual angst any longer. He barked to his Sergeant: "BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!”

The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and lead the camel into the Captain's quarters. Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride.

"So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?" he asked.
The Sergeant replied, "Well, sir, usually they just use it to ride into town."

[The Conquistador]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.
I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness.
He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks
'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

[smc]

Originally Posted by TheAngryPostman

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.
I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness.
He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks
'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

That is a truly great joke!

[Titivilus]

Apologies if you've heard this one:

- What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?

- The wheelchair.

Oh, and FYI, let's not forget that, prior to WWII, the French had THE greatest fighting force the world had ever seen. It was the period between the great wars that saw the destruction of said army, due to bean-counters. Oh, and Rommel/Guderian and Patton studied modern tank tactics written by, you guessed it, a French general.