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Old 06-25-2009
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raistlin raistlin is offline
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Default Most likely a familar story

Hi all, i'd just like to say wow what a nice friendly community. Well since its my first post I thought I take a few mins to explain why myself ended up here and where i fit into the trans-spectrum of life.

i am not a doctor and only know my own feelings on such matter so if I get terminology or anything wrong please be forgiving haha. I guess it started when I was young boy, in fact most of my earliest memories were of re-occuring dreams I used to have where I was a young girl in my dreams. Not dreams where i was a boy made into a girl or anything like that just in my dreams I was a girl plain and simple. Over than that they were just normal dreams i expect. I used to find this very confusing as a young child but i don't think I ever told anyone at that age, especially as my step dad used to tease me if I did anything remotely girly anyways.
This pretty much continued till I was about 10-11 and starting secondary school. Here i started to notice girls for the first time but although very cute and handsome i was told, I was shy and awkward around girls. My step dad used to tease me when i was young about any (albiet it at that age totally inncent) girlfriends I had so I guess I was just very self concious about been with girls. My home life was pretty traumatic due to my parents fighting and my mum drinking. Anyways back to the point haha, there was one girl who took a real shine to me and was always teasing me about how she liked me but I always resisted (much to later regrets in life). There was something I could never tell her I guess but I admired her in so many ways more than perhaps I should. She was beautiful and an early developer and had a very womanly figure even at that young teenage years. Anyways somewhere along the line I identified with her to the point in that she was how I wished I was. I wanted to be a girl just like her, cute and sexy with beautiful brunette hair and a young budding body. It was around this age I started my first attempts at crossdressing. In secret at home with my mums underwear and clothes. I was hopeless at it as I guess most first time dressers are. I put a bit of everything on thinking this is nice and thats sexy with no real coordination. I loved how the clothes felt and looked non-the-less. I used to dress when ever I got the house to myself but then this wasn't enough and I would dress under my clothes and sleep in certain items and my mum's high heeled knee boots which I adored. I am not sure if this was ever noticed, but it all stopped when I was about 12 when my stash of my mothers clothes was discovered and I had to endure the shame of the little talk. I just said it was a game and it was left at that. I didn't dress for a few years afterwards but the urge to be feminine never went away and there were far less frequent dressings right up until I was 19 and left home.
Around the age of 20 I met a girl of 24 who was to be my first sexual relationship. She was petite , so very cute and shy. I adored her but life circumstances were never going to help due to her having kids from a previous marriage and the baggage that goes with it. Don't get me wrong I adored her kids and would have been so proud to be a dad to them but things are never that easy and I think she ended it more as she thought it would ruin my life to be tied down with that kind of commitment so young.
Around the age of 24, all this time still secretly longing I was a girl but getting through life the best I can I went through a real unhappy stage after a relationship broke down with a girlfriend. That combined with ebay and internet retailers, and a place of my own I finally for the first time bought my first female clothes. In fact I went a bit crazy and bought tonnes of female clothes and shoes, and i tried make up and a couple of wigs. I experiemented with different styles and such and at that stage in my life was very passable, in fact very beautiful in the way that young ts often are, even with my doctor frankenstein make up skills and dress co-ordination.
Around this time I discovered Mrs Silks website as a place where I thought might be like minded people. I was never brave enough to tell anyone my secret desires, far biet from ever dressing in public. I guess I figured if I wasn't brave enough to do it myself, been gently forced into it was the way to go. Unfortunately I didn't realise Silks was such a fetistist website and that looking back it was probably a damaging place to go for me because I looked around at what I saw and was worried that it was how I was. It made me ashamed and fell sick and for the first time I wondered if I was just a sick pervert, the type you read about in papers and such. (no disrespect to anyone who used to visit silks. there were some genuinely lovely people there but there was also a lot of (at least in my opinion) undesirable predators to who I am refferring to now)
It all ended up with me purging and getting rid of all my female attire, I have read how this purging is a frequent thing with a lot of crossdressers who feel the pressure of a judgemental outside world. I still regret losing some fabulous clothes and shoes in that purge. I didn't dress again for another 5 or 6 years although as I am sure some of you know the desire to be female is always there constantly proding you in the back of your mind, but again it was from a sad time in my life when I had lost my job and some close friends due to a period of depression I suffered. I guess I went back to the comfort been at least dressed as a female gives me.
That brings me up to now, in my early 30's, dressing when I feel like it and as I have done many times over my life regretting that I didn't do something about it when I was younger and regretting the fact I am not brave enough to do anything much about it now.
In an ideal world I would start transitioning tomorrow but the world is far from ideal and in many ways damn cruel. I am no longer in my early 20's my hair has receded. I although still slim and with a great figure it is definately male and a powerful male frame at that, 6 foot tall, wide shoulders, back and legs. I will never pass into the image of myself I always had in my mind.
Here I will end it, I hope some people found it interesting but its nice to be able to talk to people who might understand. I guess I will take my secret with me to the grave. One day I hope to meet a beautiful open minded girl who will be able to understand and discuss this with me as it does help to talk. I will never transistion now as I think myself too old to change.
To the younger girls who might be reading this and identifying with it I hope you have more luck in your life, the world is gradually waking up and these issues are more understood. I leave you with one motto "The things you most regret in life are the things you never did!"

Take care
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Old 06-25-2009
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Hi Raistlin

Let me be the first to welcome you here, and rest assured that this truly is a very good, understanding and also diverse forum regarding trans*matters.

I guess it's fair to say that your history is far from unique in the sense that so many trans*people choose to remain closetted due to societal ignorance and lack of empathy toward transsexuality.

But I don't think it's too late at all for you. Let me tell you that I have a good chat-friend on a Danish trans*forum. She's a 70 year old trans*woman who transformed in her fifties after a long marriage. She is today politically active and, indeed, a joyful and pleasant soul.

I'm not myself transsexual but many of my friends are, so I do honestly think I to some degree can relate to your frustrations. I think I can also guarantee you that your urge to live according to your gender identification will never go away.

No need for any regrets - the choices you have made until now have for sure been made from you reasoning that coming out of the proverbial closet would be more painful than staying stealth.

But maybe a need for change! You may be able to fool the world but in the end you cannot fool yourself.

I do sympathize with your "passability" regrets. However, life is not merely a beauty-contest. As I view it this is about you living as the gender you truly are (aside from chromosomes, genitalia and minor details like that - in the end they matter very little compared to what's going on in your heart and mind) and then accepting the ups as well as the undisputable downs that a trans*hostile world imposes on us all.

Obviously, it is way above my pay grade to advice you in any direction. But I do hope that you can come to terms with your transsexuality as a full-timer or just sometimes as a crossdresser to get some relief that you so desperately and rightfully need.

So best of Danish luck to you and thanks for your deeply honest and touching introduction.

Peace!

Hank
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Last edited by hankhavelock; 06-25-2009 at 06:02 AM. Reason: the usual misspellings...
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  #3  
Old 06-26-2009
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raistlin raistlin is offline
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Thanks for the warm welcome and kind words. Perhaps never was too strong a word but for now it will have to wait as I have more important problems and life issues to sort. Unless a maiden in shining armour was to ride up and whisk me away, one can dream
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