I'm in love and this time it will last...

[hankhavelock]

You know the situation when you really want to be cool and whatever you do it comes out clumsily and totally un-cool... had I also knocked over my gintonic I'd have come out as a complete jerk!

Let me rewind a bit. Last weekend I went to Bali to meet Missy M. We'd chatted about meeting to check each other out with a set goal of a real relationship. No more hanky panky for hanky - too many victims, too many tears... no more. It had come to a point where I felt disgusted with myself. I felt so ashamed. Time for a change...

So here I was as agreed in the club where she works as a drag artist - there's something enchanting about coming to Bali and I always feel this inner happiness going there - the "ladyboy-island" par excellence. And the little darlings mincing around as the true princesses they are... drives me crazy! It's quite simply a degree of attraction that I've never felt to cis*girls. Their joyfulness, their voices, their beauty... I feel so proud of them and this is where I truly belong...

Getting off track here...

Missy M had just done a performance and right after I got an sms "Where are you?" I'd only just replied when I in my peripheral view sensed this Goddess approaching. I turned and no matter how much I really tried to be cool it didn't work... she was so drop-dead gorgeous that it's amazing I was even able to speak... skimpy little dress, 4 inch stilettos, cigarette in hand and shyly smiling as she walked into my life...

OMG...!

A sweet little "Hi darling..." followed by my (trying to regain my composure and coolness) "Hey baby, wassup?" a nice little hug and then the mesmerizing first ten seconds that are so crucial for the image we get of each other but still the most awkward. I really can't say that I'm not "well-trained" in the art of dating, however, I felt like a school-boy again. This was special.

Anyway, she sat down and after a bit of small-talk she said directly: "I'm feeling shy... tell me what you think of us?" Are you kidding? YOU are feeling shy? "Me too... I think it's wonderful that we finally meet and can get to know each other more deeply..." Actually, I was ready to propose right there and then, but that might have been a tad too forward :-)

Quickly the atmosphere loosened up and we found another café where we could have a conversation without having to yell. It was wonderful - she is the kindest soul and true to my style I soon turned "political" to trans*matters which are so dear to me. She immediately indulged me and we had a great conversation. We bonded beautifully and it was soon decided that next time I'd stay with her and her family (Indonesians tend to stay with their family until they get married :-)

We talked for an hour or so , after which she drove me back to my hotel on her cute little "ladyboy-scooter" (she had early arrangement with her family, so this was not the night to "bond physically", so to speak).

A tender little kiss and off she went...

----

"Honey, I'll pick you up at 9 o'clock, ya?"

She did - on that same little scooter - and already dressed up for her nightly show (I guess you can imagine) we whizzed through Seminyak for her first performance. We got settled, had dinner, she did her first show and came back to the table.

"Dear, let's go somewhere else after I finish my second show here, ya?" she suggested.

"But didn't you say that you have another one later?" I asked.

"I can cancel!"

"No, it's fine, dear, no need to do that. I just tag along..."

"But I already called and cancelled. I want us to have the rest of the night together..."

Awww, that was so sweet, and I immediately complied. So after her second set, she removed her theatrical make-up and slipped into something more comfortable :-)

"Honey, this is the real me... what do you think?"

Needless to say, Missy M is a princess no matter what she wears.

After yet a wonderful night we finally whizzed back to my hotel and spent our first night together...

----

"Dear, why do you steer the scooter with your hands turned upside down... looks awfully uncomfortable?" I asked, sitting unnecessarily close to her at the back of her scooter.

"I don't want to get too much sun on my hands, honey..."

That is just SO Asian ladyboy and right then I fell even deeper in love with her :-)

Needless to say I already looked like an overboiled lobster because I as always underestimate the Indonesian sun and the day before I'd spent an hour by the pool catching rays (and reading Barack Obama "Dreams From My Father")... :-)

We drove to Calego Beach - a favorite place of mine - and during the ride I truly mused about my apparent good fortune. In all fairness, I've had every single trans*woman that I ever dreamed of - not one has ever rejected me. God has been kind to me in this regard. And here I was, at the back of her little "ladyboy-scooter" so content and so in love. Time for a shift of paradigm, Hank. Time to commit!

"Why didn't you try to initiate sex last night, honey", she asked looking at me matter-of-factly over the rim of her mango juice glass when we were comfortably seated at the Calego Beach café. "You know that I wanted to..." She caught me a bit off guard with that direct question, but the truth was that the time was just not right. We were both tired after a long night out and completely untrue to my style I decided that it was better to wait. Maybe I was also a bit shy, but whatever the reason I just didn't feel it was now. Needless to say, Missy M is the first trans*woman I date where we did NOT make love the first night, and somehow I feel very good about that. Maybe I also wanted to send her a signal, telling her that it is not her female penis (alone) I adore but her heart.

And the truth is that I feel both elated and very humble and privileged by her love. I feel that in many ways this marks a culmination and a turning point in my four-year long journey deeply into the fantastic universe of transsexuality. It's a universe where I have met so much true love and where I feel so honestly at home and it's time that my commitment becomes more permanent. Not to transsexuality itself, my commitment to that has long ago been established, but a commitment to one girl with whom I want to go all the way.

I hope and pray Missy M is the one - I'm in love this time!

H