funny joke!

[eliogabalo]

1) After my death i wake up in a dark abyss. I see huge flames and demons who run and laugh. I hear groans and moans. Somebody cry for the pain...
The devil shows me an androgynous demon with an huge cock and say to me: "You'll have to suck it eternally". I weep for joy, kneel down and exclaim: "God's mercy is infinite !"

[eliogabalo]

2) A German and an Italian debate about women. The German ask: "What's
the first thing you look in a women ?". The Italian reflect a while and answer: " The cock".

[gizmo]

A guy goes to Thailand for the first time.
Meet's the most beautiful girl he's ever seen
Take's her back to his room, and fuck's her really well.
Afterward's she's stroking his cock, on the bed!
He turn's to her and say's "You wanna go again?"
She say's no, I'm just admiring your cock, cos I miss my own!!!!

[smolderingtemptress]

Originally Posted by gizmo

A guy goes to Thailand for the first time.
Meet's the most beautiful girl he's ever seen
Take's her back to his room, and fuck's her really well.
Afterward's she's stroking his cock, on the bed!
He turn's to her and say's "You wanna go again?"
She say's no, I'm just admiring your cock, cos I miss my own!!!!

That is hilarious!

[BlueRaven88]

Originally Posted by eliogabalo

2) A German and an Italian debate about women. The German ask: "What's
the first thing you look in a women ?". The Italian reflect a while and answer: " The cock".

its funny cos thats the first thing *I* look for in a woman

The firemen finally get a huge fire under control, and Chief
Brown has all of his men accounted for except Olson and Rosolino.
After a few minutes' search, the chief looks down an alley, and
there's Rosolino, leaning over a trash can. His pants are down to
his ankles, and Olson is banging away from behind.

Chief Brown says, "What the hell is going on?"

Olson says, "Rosolino passed out from smoke inhalation."

The chief says, "Smoke inhalation? You're supposed to give him
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation! "

Olson says, "I did, Chief, but then one thing led to another...
--
Live Well, Love Much, Laugh Often

[randolph]

Probably a little late for a talk.

[randolph]

Sorry guys.

[Dhobi]

The doctor told the patient that he had a very bad dose of clap.

"But", said the man "I only masturbate."

"Yes", said the doctor "It is hand clap!"

[The Conquistador]

What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on top of her head?

All you can eat under a buck!

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

[zeroblank57]

lol nice, i have to remember that one

[SpaceMonkey]

Not mine but makes me laugh for some reason.

How do you fix a broken dish washer?

Kick her in the ass!

[jimnaseum]

How to Save a marriage.

[BlueRaven88]

Originally Posted by jimnaseum

How to Save a marriage.

ROFL i laughed so hard at this. asking for marriage advice and he gives her mechanical advice. classic.

[aa2239]

Originally Posted by jimnaseum

How to Save a marriage.

LMAO I love this one (sorry, the joke is on the attachment of the original post, not sure how to attach it here)

[randolph]

The Duck Hunter
A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.... He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.'

'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter.

'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.'

'Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?'

'Not exactly.' answered the doctor. 'She's a flute player in the local symphony and she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.'

[not2old]

OK, here's one that should offend most everybody.

Heaven is Where:
the Police are British, the Chefs are Italian, the Mechanics are German, the Lovers are French and it's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
the Police are German, the Chefs are British, the Mechanics are French, the Lovers are Swiss and it's all organized by the Italians.

[ladyboyadmirer]

An Islamist was seated next to an Australian and a Brit on a flight from London to Sydney,
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Aussie and Brit asked for a rum and Coke each, which was brought and placed before them.
The flight attendant then asked the Islamist if he would like a drink.
The Islamist replied in disgust,
'I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.'
The Aussie and the Brit then handed their drinks back to the attendant and said,

'Hey lady, us too. We didn't know there was a choice.'

[ThatOneGuy]

Originally Posted by ladyboyadmirer

An Islamist was seated next to an Australian and a Brit on a flight from London to Sydney,
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Aussie and Brit asked for a rum and Coke each, which was brought and placed before them.
The flight attendant then asked the Islamist if he would like a drink.
The Islamist replied in disgust,
'I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.'
The Aussie and the Brit then handed their drinks back to the attendant and said,

'Hey lady, us too. We didn't know there was a choice.'

Hahaha lmao.

Good one.

[jimnaseum]

The first Gorgeous spring day fell on a friday and I was working the counter by myself because business was so light. A few really nice looking secretaries came in, thiough, and like every one was giving me the eye and that sly smile so hey, I smiled back. After about an hour my co-worker Paul came up to me and said "Hey Jim, you gotta big booger hangin outta your nose"

[BlueRaven88]

Originally Posted by jimnaseum

The first Gorgeous spring day fell on a friday and I was working the counter by myself because business was so light. A few really nice looking secretaries came in, thiough, and like every one was giving me the eye and that sly smile so hey, I smiled back. After about an hour my co-worker Paul came up to me and said "Hey Jim, you gotta big booger hangin outta your nose"

how is that a joke? that's just an embarrassing situation you've been in

[jimnaseum]

The joke is you never really know anything. You're young. Enjoy.

[SusanMichelle]

What do you call a sheep on a pogo stick..... A wooly Jumper :P

[cambiadito]

Sorry I dont understand

[orion]

Don't worry .. that's my fault .. it was posted for the benefit of someone who liked an earlier "Liverpool" joke ..

Liverpool is a large Port City in NW England .. with a bad (sometimes deserved) reputation for thieving ..

"Scallies" is the nick name given by Liverpuddlians to the local "Ne're do wells" (and is a shortening of "Scallywags") ... the kind of youths who steal cars to "joy ride" & then set fire to them .. they also have a reputation for attempting to escape once they've been arrested .. hence the Handcuffs ...

Rally driving tends to be a European Motorsport, involving timed trials over a variety of terrains .. the steering wheels of Rally cars are about half normal size, making the driver's job easier ..

Just put it down to "Brit" humour .. which sometimes doesn't translate easily ..

[ladyboyadmirer]

Originally Posted by orion

Don't worry .. that's my fault .. it was posted for the benefit of someone who liked an earlier "Liverpool" joke ..
Just put it down to "Brit" humour .. which sometimes doesn't translate easily ..

Nicely explained Orion, I'll let you explain this one too

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'.

Roland the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the
measles and my Mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says
there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Shaun, who had just moved to the UK, jumps up and says in a broad Irish accent, "My Dad is painting our new house with a two-inch
brush and my Mum says it will take da contagious".

( da cunt-ages )

[triumph65]

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler.
Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy thinks a moment and says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." :D

Ooops!! I've probably just isolated 50% of the board now...

[orion]

Nice one Admirer ..

Would it have been little Sean's Grandad whilst serving with an Anti-Aircraft Unit in WWII told his Sergeant that he had a "Fokker" caught in the beam of his search light ? ...

The Sergeant looked up & then said .. "No, Paddy .. that Fokker's a Messerschmitt"

And before anyone has a "pop" about Racism .. its not, as I'm of Anglo-Irish descent ...

[orion]

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of an unfinished building and he needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his mate on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said ... so he started to use sign language so the guy on the ground could understand him ...

First he pointed to his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), then moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw...

Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood .. dropped his pants and started to jerk off...

The guy on the 3rd floor got really pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw" ..

The other guy replied, "Yeah .. I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming" ..

[franalexes]

What do you call a T-gurl dressed in red, white and blue?
ans; a mailbox.

[orion]

Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman,

"Well, tonight's the night we have sex" ..

And so they did ..

As they are lying in bed afterwards, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I'd known she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her" ..

And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I'd known the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken my tights off" ...

[Jenae LaTorque]

Originally Posted by fatbloke

Two goldfish in a tank,one says to the other "Will you drive or will i"

Damn, I have looked at the joke sideways and upside down and...nothing!

Have tried differant meaning of the words tank and drive......nothing.

Anybody got an explanation for this one?

Meanwhile .............................

Mr. Turklebacher is in his back yard and looking over the fence he observes the neighbors little girl Maggie filling in a 3 foot hole.

"Whatcha doing there, little Maggie?" he asked.

With a tear in her eye, Little Maggie sniffed, "Oh, my goldfish died this morning, and I was giving him a proper burial."

Mr Turklebacher said, "Oh, I'm so sorry......... Ummmm............Isn't that an awful big hole for a little goldfish?

"Oh," said little Maggie, "That's because he's inside your f**king cat!!"

[Maine Man]

Originally Posted by Jenae LaTorque

Damn, I have looked at the joke sideways and upside down and...nothing!

Have tried differant meaning of the words tank and drive......nothing.

Anybody got an explanation for this one?

I think it has to do with the expression, 'drunk as a fish.'

[sesame]

Originally Posted by fatbloke

Two goldfish in a tank,one says to the other "Will you drive or will i"

Perhaps he meant driving a Tank(an armored combat vehicle) as a mild joke?

It tickles my imagination, but fails to evoke any laughter!
Or if seen from your "son of satan" standpoint,

Perhaps the two goldfishes were trying to decide who will fuck whom?

[orion]

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom ..

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightdress and whispered,

"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it ... Our lives may depend on it" ..

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag,

"I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a nice, tight butt" ...

[randolph]

Two guys were sitting at a bar chatting.
One said, "do you know how to give you wife an instant orgasm?"
"No how do you that"
"Take her hand in yours and look into her eyes and say, my dear, I know you are always right"

[hungcowboy]

so a woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm and sits down, the guy next to her looks at her and says "where'd you get that pig?"

the woman says to him, "Thats not a pig"

the guy replies, "hell, i was talkin to the duck"

[hungcowboy]

A guy and his wife are talking in bed after sex and shes playin with his balls.

The husband looks down at his wife and asks "Honey, why do you play with my balls after we fuck?"

the wife smiles and replies, "Because i miss mine so much"

[franalexes]

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 80-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a
sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave
the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back
a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the
doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as
clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked
what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's
like this. "First I tried with my right hand, but
nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right
hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her
mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth
out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady
next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get
the jar open.'

[amapornfreak]

lol nice one....I am aware of everything around me when im "busy" how did his mother close his door without him knowing XD

[uberandrew]

lol, if that was true i would be blind as a bat

[prodigy32]

lol there are some really funny ones in here

[Jenae LaTorque]

Little Maggie is in her backyard

Mr Baxter the next door neighbor leans over the fence.

Mr Baxter, "What are you doing there Little Maggie?"

Little Maggie, "Oh, I was digging a hole, Mr Baxter."

Mr Baxter, "Why were you digging a hole, Little Maggie?"

Little Maggie, "Oh, it was for my parakeet, Mr Baxter; it died."

Mr Baxter, "That's an awful big hole for a little parakeet, how come?"

Lil Maggie, "Cuz it's inside your fuckin' cat!"

[MonkermanFTW]

The last line made me lol

[johndowe]

Hi there.

I remember when i was in school, i was taught the metric system and the smallest usable units.

The smallest usable unit of weight: The gram.

The smallest usable unit of volume: The Mililiter.

The smallest usable unit of distance: The Milimeter.

The smallest usable unit of intelligence: The Military.

JohnDowe.

[Bkinch]

Originally Posted by hungcowboy

a mom walks in a her son and sees him jacking off, so she closes the door without him knowing and sends her husband up.

he opens the door and says "Son if you dont stop doing that your gonna go blind!"

the son replies "Dad, im over here"

hahahaah

[DSL]

The young Indian boy had spent most of his life in a quandry... He felt different yet... couldn't figure why... he was just so depressed. He went to the Chief for answers... He asked the chief how his brother Red Deer Running had gotten his name...

The chief answered in his typically poetic way..."When Red Deer Running was born, at the moment of his birth, the first thing his mother saw was a beautiful deer running off into the forest... and so Running Deer was named. It is the custom of our tribe to name the offspring according to the spirits in nature visiting upon the birth."

Then, the boy said to the Chief... And how did my sister "Thundering Bird" get her name? The chief described again, how at the moment of her birth Thundering Bird's mother had heard a roar of thunder and looking up, saw a bird flying in the sky...

The boy asked again, how his cousin "White Crouching Bear" had been given such a name... And the chief, looking down once more at the boy, explaining the traditions of their tribe.... White Bear's mother had seen a rare white bear crouched over a stream at the moment her baby's birth. Then he asked the boy...

"Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

[DSL]

Aug. 12 Moved to our new home in Massachusetts. It is so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see the snow covering them.

Oct. 14 Massachusetts is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful mountains and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise! I love it here.

Nov. 11 Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here.

Dec. 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleared the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight, I won. Than the snowplow came by. We had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place! I love Massachusetts!!

Dec. 12 More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did it's trick again to the driveway. I love it here.

Dec. 19 More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. I am exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snowplow.

Dec. 21 More of that fucking white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling snow. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits until I'm done shoveling the driveway. ASSHOLE!!

Dec. 25 Merry Fucking Christmas. More fucking snow!! If I ever get my hands on the son-of-a-bitch who drives the snowplow, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the fucking ice.

Dec. 27 More of the white shit last night. Been inside for three days except to shovel the driveway each time the fucking snowplow goes by. Can't go anywhere. Car's stuck in a mountain of that shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10" again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10" is??

Dec. 28 The fucking weatherman was wrong. We got 38" of that white shit this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snowplow got stuck down the road and the ASSHOLE came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. I told him I had broken six shovels already shoveling all that fucking white shit he had pushed into the driveway. I broke the seventh one over his fucking head.

Jan. 4 Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get groceries. On the way back, a fucking deer ran in front of the car and I hit it. About $3,000 damage to the car. Those fucking beasts should all be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.

May 3 Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe, the son-of-a-bitch is rusting out from all the salt they put on the roads??

May 10 Moved to Florida. Can't imagine why anyone in their right minds would ever want to live in that fucking state of Massachusetts!!!!

[The Conquistador]

Two vampires are in a bar when the waiter asks them what they'd like to drink. The first vampire says, "I'll have some blood mixed with vodka." The second vampire says, "I'll just have some hot water please." Puzzled, his friend says, "Dude, we're vampires. We don't drink water." The second vampire pulls out a bloody tampon, dabs it in the water and replies with a grin, "I know. I'm making tea."