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Old 07-31-2012
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Default That precious moment

I have become very contemplative of late. I don't know why but scenes from my life have been crowding in on me in what feels like HD clarity.

One was the moment when I realized that I wanted to be a girl. I was too young to understand what it meant or know what to do about it but I was changed forever.

My parents did not like me watching daytime TV so when I came home from elementary school mom gave me milk and cookies and set up an old movie. The one that day was a Western. I cannot remember what it was called but it involved a group of women - showgirls I guess - going to some town. All I remember is one scene, the scene that changed me.

The girls wanted to bath in the river. Obviously the two old guys who were being paid to take care of them couldn't bathe as well. I think one girl half-raised her skirt revealing her petticoat before they noticed the old guys watching. The petticoat was something that I had never seen before and which I could not explain. All that happened was that the girls shooed the guys away then petticoat after petticoat was thrown onto a bush accompanied by peels of girlish laughter. The two guys strained to see what was happening and were clearly amazed by what they saw. That was it. It probably lasted less than minute but has stayed with me ever since.

The divide between women and men could not have been clearer even then. Girls were high spirited and happy. They inhabited a world that was full of laughter but from which men were excluded. They wore clothes that were not just prettier but very different from those I wore. Guys were drab. The only happiness in their lives came second-hand from watching women who controlled what they could do and when they could do it.

I knew immediately what side of the bush I wanted to be on. I have been there ever since.

Does anyone else have a similar precision moment they could share?

Princess Vagina
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Old 07-31-2012
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I wish I could say there was a precise moment for me, but there truly isn't, sweetie. For me, everything is just blended into a big blur (standard definition, as opposed to your HD quality).
I suppose though, there was a moment early in my childhood that I will never forget.
I was coming back home from a shopping trip with my Mom. She had bought a new pair of chunky, lace-up heels for herself during the excursion. I don't know why, but I thought they looked really cute and had an overwhelming desire to put them on (my feet hadn't grown larger than hers, yet)......so I put them on right there in the car. At first, my Mom was surprised/upset that I did it, but unbelievably, she let me wear them the rest of the way home and into the house. Then I had to take them off.
But I still love my Mom.
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Old 07-31-2012
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Sounds strangely to me like one of these first experiences of self consciousness, identified as happening between 6 and 9 by modern psychology. I had mine in front of a fence, I remember it clearly: I was about to climb it and I just felt, suddenly, very big, I felt that those seven years elapsed since my birth had already stretched a long while and I had for the first time a definite feeling of the reality of my own life in duration. Every kid goes through it; it’s a normal stage of the development of the psyche. Some remember, some don’t. I find absolutely remarkable that you have lived yours in such a fashion, Princess, if it is indeed that precise experience we’re talking about. It would mean you have discovered yourself (your own self, your conscience) as a girl. It is another testimony of how deep a reality transsexualism is. It shows how little you have to do with what you feel deep down. We’re advancing faster and faster in both fields of endocrinology and neurology, and I’m sure we will soon find definite, positive elements to show that it is a biological condition. But already your beautiful post shows how profound this reality is. Beautiful post, Princess!

Lady Alana, your story is beautiful too. And the fact that you remember something so unimportant as an event also shows how deep this was already into you. I’m sure you probably could find many more to tell if you felt like it.

I any case, this is beautiful. I feel privileged to be a member of a site where women like you shares such private memories with people like me. We should have more of this. Princess Vagina, very good idea for a thread…
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Old 08-01-2012
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Oh Dan your comments are so generous! Thank you!

I never thought about that experience on those terms before but I am sure you are right. I have sat through enough psychological assessments to last a lifetime but when asked 'when did I first feel I was a girl' or some version of that I always talked about the usual stuff that happens at 10 or 11. In fact it started way before then but until recently could never think when. 6-9 sounds right but when within that I have no idea although I am tempted to say 8.

I agree that transgenderism is buried deep inside us. Once even a glimpse of it has been revealed to you there is nothing else you can do but live it as best you can however hard the knocks.

Looking back I have had a relatively easy ride. Despite this every time I step outside my door is an adventure. My current introspection has been triggered by two contrasting events. I won one of my company's 'employee of the year' awards last year which was celebrated in February (don't ask) after which I decided to take some days off and visit the grave of my closest TG friend who died tragically three years ago. I hadn't been back since the funeral because it had hit me so hard. She was a wild, beautiful spirit who inspired me with the way she embraced her transgendered nature so completely yet cut herself down after being betrayed by someone she thought she could trust. Her parents who had loved and supported her transition lived a few blocks away. I knew them and loved them but I couldn't call because I knew I had no answer to why her and not me. We have to hold on so tight to what we know to be right just to survive.

Princess Vagina.

Quote:
Originally Posted by danthepoetman View Post
Sounds strangely to me like one of these first experiences of self consciousness, identified as happening between 6 and 9 by modern psychology. Some remember, some don?t. I find absolutely remarkable that you have lived yours in such a fashion, Princess, if it is indeed that precise experience we?re talking about. It would mean you have discovered yourself (your own self, your conscience) as a girl. It is another testimony of how deep a reality transsexualism is. It shows how little you have to do with what you feel deep down. We?re advancing faster and faster in both fields of endocrinology and neurology, and I?m sure we will soon find definite, positive elements to show that it is a biological condition. But already your beautiful post shows how profound this reality is. Beautiful post, Princess!
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Old 08-02-2012
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I really can't say I've had one pinnacle moment. Rather I've had many that I didn't even realize I'd had till after I had transitioned.
Though one of the earliest signs that I wasn't the gender others thought me to be was before I was 6. My first childhood friend was the girl next door. And according to my mother, I would play house and dolls with said friend.
Just wish I could remember more of that time with my first friend. But that coincides with the head injury I sustained while chasing down my brother on my bike. I got hit by a Civic and launched into the windshield, causing me to have minor scraps on my face and a concussion. And have had a really hard time converting sort term memory into long term memory ever sense. But I digress.

Another instance of where I showed my true gender as a child was in middle school. I was heading out of the cafeteria after lunch with my best friend Stephen. I don't remember what started it, but some girl was telling off my friend. My response to the whole incidence was not to tell her to fuck off, no, instead I hocked a logy on her. That stopped her in her tacks to say the least. Of course I got in trouble for that.
And yet another clue, was when I met Stephens first girl friend. Who instantly hated me for a reason I didn't know at the time. But looking back I'm almost certain what that reason was. I think it's because I had a crush on my friend, and she picked up on that.
There's also the Halloween I dressed up as a princess. Or when I went into a crying fit after an 8th grader threatened to beat me up because I'd found his lost hacky sack and had no intention of returning it to him. Finders keepers and all.

My point is, there have been many points in my life where I have shown my femininity. It wasn't till HS were I realized I had to either hide it or embrace it fully and allow other to bully me for it. So I chose the easier rout of the two. At least I thought it was easier at the time. Wish I'd never tried to "blend in".
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Old 08-05-2012
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I don't really have one specific moment when I came to the realization that I wanted to be a girl. Umm I guess my desire to be a girl has always been with me, even when I tried to ignore it.

I'll try to provide a brief outline of the timeline that has led me to this point. I can remember when I was like four or five, I sometimes felt like I shoul've been a girl. However those feelings were quickly surpressed. Also, I've been told that when I was three, I used to walk around in my mom's shoes and try to wear my sister's dresses. One night, when I was nine, I was watching TV with my parents and I commented that I thought the guy was cute - that went over really well. I was very suicidal because I had this void in my life that I couldn't understand. I had my first kiss, it was with a boy (almost the same age as me), when I was 11. He would deflower me two years later, I would have conflicting feelings about that whole episode for years. When I went into high school, I did all the things teen boys are "supposed" to do. I did play a couple of sports, I got into fights, I went out with and as many girls as I could, butt there was still the nagging void. After high school, I came across a vid clip of a shemale. I became courious and decided to try on a pair of my mom's panties and one of her bras. I had an awesome jack-off session that night. I decided to get some of my own. At first my dressing was a sexual outlet. Then over time it developed into more, as my surpressed feelings came to the surface. Now, after several purges, I've come to the realization that I want to be a girl (except for the SRS).
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