Quote:
Originally Posted by Bionca
Well, the guys mentioned in my first post were sprinkled through the past 7 years. The thing is... I AM selective when it comes to giving up the goodies. As often as not the "real girl" crap comes out because I didn't want to do anythong other than the agreed upon date. I also want to give people chances, so there was a point when I'd just go out with whomever asked provided they knew my status. Some of those were fine affairs, some became funny stories, some were downright insulting - not different than anyone's dates. It's the level of disrespect, not showing up for dates, and assumptions about gals like me that my natal femail friends simply can't relate to, but all my trans* friends know only too well. I think part of my personal issue is I went from very trusting and willing to give everyone a "shot" to being really jaded and untrusting in a rather short amount of time.
The past two years I have barely had any sex because I'm just tired of the BS, tired of being afraid, tired of being insulted, tired of that damn awkward silence as he pulls on his pants and he can't look me in the eye, tired of compliments being followed by "but...". Right now, I have a steady very casual FWB thing. It's fine since I don't expect anything else and I haven't been led to expect anything more either. Given what I hear from other T-gals this is about as good as it's likely to get - my past 7 year (open) relationship was some sort of fluke. Is that true - I don't know... I hope not *shrug*
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Thanks for not beating me to death, Bionca. My tone was a little testy, I think, in spite of my pledge to the contrary. I appreciate your reply.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bionca
Advice for you... You say you find it hard to connect with people. Why? What happens? Is it shyness on your part. do you find it difficult to "read" people's reactions? Or is it external, like you are in a situation where it is hard to meet people you have stuff in common? Do you find that you seem to connect with people but they seem to soon lose interest?
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I think the underlying cause is FEAR -- especially of the last scenario (i.e. that people will lose interest in time). And here's something else . . .
I tend to take things really personally and get hacked off the minute I hear ignorant judgementalism from someone, whether it's on sex and gender, music, books or whatever.
Of course, we should probably all hate ignorant judgementalism, but given that we're all guilty of it at times, I think my reaction is too extreme. In reality, it's probably a convenient excuse my mind has become adept at generating as a reason to keep people at a distance or push them away entirely.
I think I lack a great deal of confidence in myself and am never secure enough in my beliefs and life choices to be entirely comfortable around others. I think I continually struggle with determining how much of myself I should reveal to another person -- and that, in turn, hampers me in all things.
Apologies for the bleak and somewhat whiney response.
