Richard Bastion: We’re back, America. Here’s the Bastion Buddies salute. [trumpet plays] At ease. Today on the show, we’re going to talk about why America is number one. Okay, without further ado, let’s do what this show is all about and hit the phone lines. You are the people that make this show. All I do is make the money and spend it on facefuls of pharmaceuticals until I go deaf. Hello, caller!
Caller: I just wanted to call in and say that I absolutely love the show.
Richard Bastion: Well, I absolutely love that you think that, okay? Now, now you want to talk about what makes America number one, huh?
Caller: We have a completely incompetent buffoon for a leader. We drive outrageously large gas-guzzling Maibatsu Monstrosities.
Richard Bastion: I know. Isn’t—it’s fantastic, isn’t it? What we’ve been given from our forefathers—the freedom from thought. Y—that, for my money, is real freedom! Knowing you’re always right! That’s...real freedom! It’s like life is a party that’s never gonna end, and, and you’re not hosting that party, you’re there, so you can, you know, take a—take a dump on the coats, and you know, you can leave your beer bottle in the toilet if you want, it doesn’t matter, it’s not your house! Okay, we’re just here to have a good time. Now this is unless we make a serious mistake in the election! You know, think about it, you can’t expect someone with no backbone to police the world! And...that’s what these liberals don’t understand! Drinking is a sin. Laying is a sin. Fisting? You know, that’s a mortal sin! And the trannies...don’t even get me started on the trannies, it’s, it’s science run amok. It’s very confusing, okay? I’m looking at a woman, I’m talking to the woman, I see the woman’s penis...now I’m confused! I don’t know what’s going on! The government...i-i-is turning into a confused transgendered prostitute. I mean, it really is! They don’t know who to serve! You feel terrible afterward, you have this overwhelming feeling that everything in your life is horribly wrong. Yes, it feels good while you’re doing it. Yes, you’re making him-slash-her feel good. But still, it’s wrong.

Vladimir “Vlad” Glebov: You remember Ivan?
Niko Bellic: No.
Vladimir “Vlad” Glebov: [shows picture] This guy.
Niko Bellic: Oh, yes. You guys had a little kiss.
Vladimir “Vlad” Glebov: Very funny. What would you say if I told he was going to rob your cousin?
Niko Bellic: I’d say, what problem does he got with my cousin?
[phone rings]
Vladimir “Vlad” Glebov: Hold on. [answers phone] Hey. Hey, gorgeous, no. I can’t talk right now. What are you wearing? Listen, I’ll call you back. [to Niko] Sorry.
Niko Bellic: Who was that?
Vladimir “Vlad” Glebov: Never you mind.
Niko Bellic: Was it Ivan?
Vladimir “Vlad” Glebov: Oh, that’s funny. You know, for a damn yokel, you’re a very funny guy.
Niko Bellic: [laughing] Yes. And for an annoying dick, you’re really an annoying dick.
Vladimir “Vlad” Glebov: Well, it is a shame then that I am the guy with the powerful friends, and you are the little punk whose only friend is a fat weasel who drives a fucking cab!

Tom Goldberg: Hello, Niko. What’s that short for? Nikolai? I’m looking for a man who can get jobs done right. Nikolai, I like your resum?. You seem to be the sort of man who would go the extra distance, I just need to take another look, get myself reacquainted with your experience...So, you’re the sort of man who doesn’t wait to get told what to do? A guy who looks at the world, sees problems and tries to fix them?
Niko Bellic: Sure.
Tom Goldberg: My problem is that people don’t notice the decay in society. They leave the decay alone and soon it’s too late so you have to pull the whole tooth.
Niko Bellic: Yeah?
Tom Goldberg: I’m the guy who goes around shaking people. For people, read society, read City Hall. I shake them, and I say “Floss! Get rid of the rotting flesh stuck in your teeth. Prevent decay! Mouthwash, you hear me?” There’s this cop. Good cop, but he thinks he’s above the law. He’s not. You wanna know why? Because the law is clear. I’m gonna crush him into dust. No one is above my judgment! You understand me?
Niko Bellic: Okay.
Tom Goldberg: Here at G.L. and S., we’re pushing things to the limit. We’re on the front line, young man. A man I was recently with in this office, in this very room, was murdered. You gotta fight for what is just in this world.
Niko Bellic: You do.
Tom Goldberg: Anyway, gimme an example of some time where you’ve worked as part of a team.
Niko Bellic: I work alone.
Tom Goldberg: So, are you going to expand on that or are you just going to hang around like a chump? Damn these quotas. You end up with every dumb immigrant in the city coming in for interviews.