Hank, I understand the whole thing. There's a song from a Broadway show called "One of the Good Guys," and a line from it says that this married man who at times longs for his freedom observes that "there's an ache either way." We're all created with a need somehow to stay with one girl, shemale, whatever, but somehow there are fellows like ourselves who never make it work. Now I'm thinking more of a shemale girlfriend/wife, etc. because I think they're much sexier and they seem to have that "something" that gg's lacked. (especially that wee wee!)
Just remember, when you find her, there are those low moments, the boredom, the lack of satisfaction---the doubts. It's going to happen with anyone. If you keep your freedom then you sacrifice the love and closeness we all need. If we want to hear "I Love you" then we need to give up plenty.
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