[JodieTs]

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to
"Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or even ?A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit
Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance."
The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning
level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to
"Let's get the Bastards."They don't have any other levels. This is the
reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the
last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in
France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a
recent fire that destroyed France?s white flag factory, effectively
paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and
Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have
two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the
only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No
worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels
remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!"
and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use
of the final escalation level.

-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person