funny joke!
 

1) After my death i wake up in a dark abyss. I see huge flames and demons who run and laugh. I hear groans and moans. Somebody cry for the pain...
The devil shows me an androgynous demon with an huge cock and say to me: "You'll have to suck it eternally". I weep for joy, kneel down and exclaim: "God's mercy is infinite !"

2) A German and an Italian debate about women. The German ask: "What's
the first thing you look in a women ?". The Italian reflect a while and answer: " The cock".

A guy goes to Thailand for the first time.
Meet's the most beautiful girl he's ever seen
Take's her back to his room, and fuck's her really well.
Afterward's she's stroking his cock, on the bed!
He turn's to her and say's "You wanna go again?"
She say's no, I'm just admiring your cock, cos I miss my own!!!! :lol:

its funny cos thats the first thing *I* look for in a woman

What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on top of her head?

All you can eat under a buck!

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

lol nice, i have to remember that one

Not mine but makes me laugh for some reason.

How do you fix a broken dish washer?

Kick her in the ass!

How to Save a marriage.

ROFL i laughed so hard at this. asking for marriage advice and he gives her mechanical advice. classic.

I don't know if you get Seinfeld down under, but there was an episode where Jerry had a chance at every guy's dream of getting not only his girlfriend, but his girlfriend's roomate in a threeway. He explained to George that if he had gone through with it he would have had to become "that guy" .....change the kind of clothes he wears, change his whole relationship with his parents, make new friends, get a whole new mindset. It was a joke, but that's my situation with transgenders. I like to dream about it, but it ain't me. If discretion is the better part of valor, then I want to avoid that impulse to rush to the aid of a girl in trouble. You don't know how much trouble some girls can get into.

An Islamist was seated next to an Australian and a Brit on a flight from London to Sydney,
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Aussie and Brit asked for a rum and Coke each, which was brought and placed before them.
The flight attendant then asked the Islamist if he would like a drink.
The Islamist replied in disgust,
'I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.'
The Aussie and the Brit then handed their drinks back to the attendant and said,

'Hey lady, us too. We didn't know there was a choice.'

Hahaha lmao.

Good one.

The first Gorgeous spring day fell on a friday and I was working the counter by myself because business was so light. A few really nice looking secretaries came in, thiough, and like every one was giving me the eye and that sly smile so hey, I smiled back. After about an hour my co-worker Paul came up to me and said "Hey Jim, you gotta big booger hangin outta your nose"

how is that a joke? that's just an embarrassing situation you've been in

The joke is you never really know anything. You're young. Enjoy.

didnt really get the first joke :P had to read for an exp.

re first joke
 

Oh well, maybe you need glasses too Rchriss lol.
I have heard that joke written a bit differently where the father tells his young son if he constantly wanks, it will cause blindness. The next day the son comes down to breakfast and says...Hey dad, I was thinking...can I wank just a little bit and wear glasses :rolleyes: But I like that version from Hungcowboy just as much.
Rgds

The Iraqi soccer star
 

The manager of Liverpool Football Club sends his talent scouts out around the World looking
for a new striker to hopefully win Liverpool the Cup Final at Wembley. One of his
scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out
to be a true superstar. So the manager flies to Iraq to watch him and
is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down at home to Man Utd with only twenty
minutes left, and Liverpool's manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod
to go on.

The lad is a sensation, scores five goals in twenty minutes and wins
the game for Liverpool.

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the
media love the new star.

When he comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first
day in English soccer.

"Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for twenty minutes today, we
were 4-0 down but I scored five and we won. Everybody loves me, the
fans, the players and the media, they all love me. Nothing will stop us going to Wembley"

"Great," says his Mum. "Now let me tell you about my day. Our car stereo was stolen and the car set alight. Your father got shot in the street by some British soldiers, your sister and I were mugged whilst shopping and
your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time."

The young lad is very upset. "What can I say Mum, but I'm so sorry".

"Sorry?!?" says his Mum. "Is that all you've got to say?"

"It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"

Little Johnny
 

On his way to his bedroom Little Johnny hears grunting and groaning coming from his parent's room.
Little Johnny opens the door only to find his mom bent over the dresser with Dad taking her from behind.
Dad looks over at Little Johnny with a big grin and winks.
Little Johnny runs to his room.

The next day Little Johnny's dad hears moaning coming from Johnny's room.
Curious he opens the door only to find little Johnny taking Grandma from behind.
Little Johnny looks up at his dad and says " It's not so funny when it's your mom is it?".

nice one
 

Nice one Ila

3 Comrades at a desert islands, were boring... One said to the others, lets play Golf... One of them asked: "How to you play that? ". "Simple…" the first one replied, "with a bar, a ball and a hole..." and added "I put the bar", the 2nd stated "I put ball", and the one that asked, emphatically stated: "I do not play!!!"

The firemen finally get a huge fire under control, and Chief
Brown has all of his men accounted for except Olson and Rosolino.
After a few minutes' search, the chief looks down an alley, and
there's Rosolino, leaning over a trash can. His pants are down to
his ankles, and Olson is banging away from behind.

Chief Brown says, "What the hell is going on?"

Olson says, "Rosolino passed out from smoke inhalation."

The chief says, "Smoke inhalation? You're supposed to give him
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation! "

Olson says, "I did, Chief, but then one thing led to another...
--
Live Well, Love Much, Laugh Often

That is hilarious!

Talk Son
 

Probably a little late for a talk.;):lol:

Sperm
 

Sorry guys.:lol::confused:

born
 

Did you hear about the baby born with both sexes? It had a penis and a brain.

you'll notice i'm not laughing at that. it is derogetory to men and shemales alike. you are saying that just because we are born with a Y chromosone and increased testosterone, we are unable to think rationally and/or are incapable of intelligent thought trails? i pity you. i would tell you to go back to your nazi feminist party, but seeings as you are male you wouldn't fit in too well, though i here satan has a nice spot in hell reserved for people just like you.

Little Sally
 

Johnny's little sister 'Sally' came home from school with a
smile on her face, and told her mother.

'Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground!'

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say,

'It reminded me of a peanut.'

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked. 'Really small, was it?'
Sally replied, 'No.....salty.'

Mum fainted!

females DNA
 

Interesting discovery :lol:

"Mom, can I ask you something?"

"Sure! What about?" replied mother.

"Well, I'm already fourteen and.. I think it's just proper that I should own one."

"Own 'one' what?" mother asked suspiciously.

"Could you buy me a push up bra?"

"No."

"But my nipples are already prominent and it catches attention."

"Nope."

"I think it would be just proper at my age..."

"I said no way...!"

"But all of my friends wear.......!"

Johnny! How many times must I tell you that bras are for girls!?"

Joke
 

What do you call a sheep on a pogo stick..... A wooly Jumper :P

what cuss words mean...
 

day of thanksgiving, mom and dad have a fight:

the mom calls the husband a "bastard"

and then the dad calls the wife a "bitch"

and billy goes to his mom and says "mom what's a bitch and a bastard?"

and the mom says "well, a bitch is a lady and a bastard is a gentlemen"




and then later billy goes outside and hears his neighbors, and hears "Put your penis in my vagina!"


So Billy goes to his mom and says "mom whats a penis and vagina?"



His moms says "Well Billy, a penis is a hat and a vagina is a coat"

and then later billy sees his dad shaving and cuts himself and says "Shit"


and billy said "Dad, whats shit"

And then his dad says
"Well billy, Shit is a type of Shaving cream "


and then billy goes to see his mom cutting the turkey and his mom cuts her finger and says "fuck!"


and then billy says to his mom "Mom whats fuck?"

"Well billy fuck is a way cutting the turkey"


and Then later the guests arrive and billy goes to them and says


"Hello bitches and bastards, may i take your penis's and vaginas,
my dad's upstairs wiping shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the Turkey

Confucius said ... "Man who go to bed with problem in hand .. wake up with solution on chest" ...

I'll get me' coat now .. shall I ? ... ;)

Why are all the cars in Liverpool fitted with "Rally" type steering wheels ? ...

So's the "scallies" can still drive 'em while wearing handcuffs ... :eek:

Sorry I dont understand :eek:

Don't worry .. that's my fault .. it was posted for the benefit of someone who liked an earlier "Liverpool" joke ..

Liverpool is a large Port City in NW England .. with a bad (sometimes deserved) reputation for thieving ..

"Scallies" is the nick name given by Liverpuddlians to the local "Ne're do wells" (and is a shortening of "Scallywags") ... the kind of youths who steal cars to "joy ride" & then set fire to them .. they also have a reputation for attempting to escape once they've been arrested .. hence the Handcuffs ...

Rally driving tends to be a European Motorsport, involving timed trials over a variety of terrains .. the steering wheels of Rally cars are about half normal size, making the driver's job easier ..

Just put it down to "Brit" humour .. which sometimes doesn't translate easily .. ;)

try this one orion
 

Nicely explained Orion, I'll let you explain this one too ;)

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'.

Roland the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the
measles and my Mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says
there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Shaun, who had just moved to the UK, jumps up and says in a broad Irish accent, "My Dad is painting our new house with a two-inch
brush and my Mum says it will take da contagious".

( da cunt-ages )

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler.
Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy thinks a moment and says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." :D

Ooops!! I've probably just isolated 50% of the board now... ;)

Nice one Admirer ..

Would it have been little Sean's Grandad whilst serving with an Anti-Aircraft Unit in WWII told his Sergeant that he had a "Fokker" caught in the beam of his search light ? ...

The Sergeant looked up & then said .. "No, Paddy .. that Fokker's a Messerschmitt"

And before anyone has a "pop" about Racism .. its not, as I'm of Anglo-Irish descent ... ;)

White Horse ..
 

A White Horse walks into a Pub and orders a pint of "Best" ..

The Barman looks at him a bit oddly, then serves him .. after a few moments thought .. the Barman says ... "Here, we sell a Whisky named after you" ...

The Horse looks at him and says .. "Wot .. Eric" ?

Confucius say: Man who go through airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok!

3 gay guys walk into a bathroom. one of them goes into a stall and notices cum floating on the water and says "ok, who farted". lol!

haha, thanks for sharing :)

A Royal Navy sailor was being quizzed at a Court Martial as he'd been an accidental witness to three other sailors sharing the same bunk ...

The President of the Court Martial asked him .. "Now Signalman Jones .. did you notice any semen on the bunk or bedding" ?

The sailor promptly replied .. "Oh, no Sir .. just three Stokers" ...

re stokers
 

Lol Orion......I heard about the Rear Admiral that got a little behind with his work and that the Rear Admiral is the most sought after job in the Greek navy. Rgds

English language
 

Why it's Important to Understand English


I had some Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window here at the local bank. It was a short line with just one guy in front of me . . an Asian guy who was trying to exchange Yen for Dollars and he was a little irritated .

He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat aighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people, too."

the pianist
 

PIANIST

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man
reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man,about one foot high and
sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a
small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag
once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of
the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a
beautiful piece by Mozart.

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he
pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub
it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of
smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one
wish. Just one wish each person is only allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I
want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon
followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is
filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your
genie's a little deaf.

I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Tell me about it!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked
for a 12 inch pianist?"

Sign language ..
 

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of an unfinished building and he needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his mate on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said ... so he started to use sign language so the guy on the ground could understand him ...

First he pointed to his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), then moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw...

Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood .. dropped his pants and started to jerk off...

The guy on the 3rd floor got really pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw" ..

The other guy replied, "Yeah .. I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming" ..

Red, white and blue
 

What do you call a T-gurl dressed in red, white and blue?
ans; a mailbox.