Regrets, Doubt, and sex

[kehda]

some background info
I'm crossdressed since i was 6 or so but my first real attempt with wig and make up was around my 13th birthday ever since I try to stop with this habit.

I get an real big urge to dressed up like a girl and act like one. Only for sexual satisfaction. But after the rush is over I feel very guilty en regret my deeds.

I tried almost anything to stop it, most of the times it work for a few weeks and then it start all over again.

I even try to accept that crossdress is a part of me, so my urges would at least become less frequently, but the opposite happened, I started to dress longer and more frequently.

Getting worse

A few months ago I tried to set the bar for cross dressing real high so i would think twice before getting into my femine self.

I agreed that the next time I would crossdress I would have sex with a man.
This method was very effective in the beginning but after a few month's I kept more thinking and thinking about dressing again. at some point I also start having dreams of me as a woman ! So at some weak point I couldn't help myself and dressed again.


In order to cure myself ( I hoped that once the curiosity of having sex as a girl was gone also my desire of being a girl will go away) I did what I promise to myself and went on a "date" with a nice man who i met online.

I'm a very foolish and naive person and expected a nice night with a gentle love session at the end. Instead the guy wasn't gentle at all and immediately start to use me as his little sex toy. all tough it really hurts the sex was very statisfactionary.
I think I enjoyed it somehow. but an half hour after I realised what i did.

Regret

I had sex with a man ! I wasn't able to call myself a real heterosexual person.
I had really a lot of regret and was feeling very guilty. That week I almost every night cried myself to sleep. I never could reverse that decision and felt very disgusting and filthy. I got rid of everything that was even a bit related to my feminine side.

Since that night I had several encounters with woman. And although I get aroused it doesn't give me that same rush and statisfication as that night :no:. It's sometimes a bit boring. It sounds weird but I only did get a erection during these encounters by imaging myself as a girl with stockings.


some really vague feelings
I really don't know what to do.

I have really no problems with being a man and never felt myself trapped in the wrong body or something like that. But these urges to become a woman drives me crazy. When I Ignored them they will haunt me and drive me crazy, when I fulfill them they become more intense and more frequently.

I'm now at the point i lost my sincere interest in girls they doesn't aroused me that much anymore (which i am not to happy about, because I like woman) but they can't compare of the idea of being a woman.

I feel myself a bit like a junkie, I want to quit but i can't

I hope anybody can give me some good advice on what to do ?:blush:

[Natalie_J]

would understand a good part of this. Being a bit older than you and having lived with this for most of my life, I can tell you that the feelings don't go away as you get older and nor do they diminish if you have sex with GGs. There are many men who try getting marrried and having a family, thinking this will make them 'normal' again. They then find that it doesn't work...

The real problem is guilt. That, and your expectations of what 'society' (ie: your family and friends) expect you to be. If you're attracted to the feminine then... well, you are and that's pretty much it. Sorry to be blunt - but this is how you are and it's a part of you. Trying to reject parts of your own personality is a game you will lose. Don't spend all your time trying to run away from it, as you will drive yourself into depression, addiction or worse. If you can find a way to dress without it interfering too much in your life then try to do so. You don't have to 'come out' or anything like that. It's fighting the urges that makes it worse.

And if you feel uncomfortable having sex with guys, then don't do it! Or, at least find somebody you can relate to better. Getting picked up by total strangers you meet on the internet can be a recipe for trouble.

But, above all, don't feel bad about it. I'm sure there a lot of people on here who will tell you the same.

[agedwards63]

I don't know where you live but use the internet there are many Transgendered resource centers through out the world and likely near you, they can help you cope and at least are a shoulder to lean on, if not that perhaps professional psychiatric help me be the answer there is no need to deal with it alone

[GRH]

Not to give you a trite sounding answer, but I think you could really benefit from some counseling. There's nothing intrinsically wrong with what you've done, but you're obviously having difficulty integrating the experiences with your world view. A counselor might help you work through your feelings of guilt, self-acceptance, etc.

[merelypink]

don't regret your sexuality!!!